OCC: iMPACT Review

I need a better title.

I've decided to live blog iMPACT tonight as the Dolphins Vs. Pittsburgh Steelers is no great shakes.

What to expect on the show:

1. LAX in action.
   
2. James Gang, Shark Boy & Norman Smiley Vs. Americas Most Wanted & Bentley/Kazarian
   
3. Jeff Jarrett takes a lie detector test.
   
4. Ron Killings Vs. Christian Cage.

So, we're live from my chair, and taped from Orlando for the show that I'm watching because you're not.

Key Question: Will more people read this or watch iMPACT? I give iMPACT the edge but just slightly.


The New Face of Professional Wrestling, kinda looks familiar.

Show starts off with a recap of last week for those who missed it which would be a lot.

Jeremy Borash is backstage with Jarrett. Borash: "Tonight is the night you've been waiting for, for 7 days." Yes, I've been waiting for this Thursday since last Thursday, and they always seem to show up about 7 days a part. I never get a Thursday on Tuesday and it pisses me off.

Eric Young offers to help Jeff Jarrett pass the test. I've got some advice for Jeff...tell the truth.

LAX comes out to the ring to the boss theme and entrance, I did mention I finally found an mp3 right?

1. LAX Vs. Jobber McWonder Team.
   No play by play just because everyone does it. Apparently, these are the Mac Brothers, and apparently this match isn't over yet.
   Unless I zoned out which is not impossible, we didn't get the Spanish intro. Tenay called the move the "Cop Killa" then covered by mentioning that it had been renamed.
   
   Konnan gets on the mic. Complains about the fact that its Styles and Daniels on the No Surrender poster not LAX.
   "When we're done, AJ you go back to doing dark matches." Ooooh, tag.
   The Phenomenal Angels hit the ring, good thing the music guy was ready for the surprise attack.
   
   Styles and Daniels hang the belts above the ring on the Ultimate X, thus proving that they can do something that won't be necessary to do in the match. You know they hung the belts and I guess this proves that they can also take them down.
   
   Crowd chants "This is awesome". I chant "Easy crowd."
   
   Preparations for the lie detector test are shown.
   
   Hype for the main event.
   
   Christy promises tag team mayhem and that we'd hear from a true wrestling legend. For those wondering, no I didn't tape a promo for this show, so they must be talking about some other but obviously less important to wrestling history, legend.
   
   Commercial break.
   
   Nothing like a John Madden commercial to remind us that there's an NFL game on another channel.
   
   Back from the break its Bobby Roode. He's with the Brain~! Heenan lists off all the names he's managed and offers to add Roode's name to the list. Somehow I doubt that's really what he wants.
   
   Its the X-division jobber trio: Dutt Sabin and Lethal for those of you confused by the sheer volume of jobbers. Lynn wants to know why they're not in the ring and the trio is watching Jackass for inspiration.
   
   
2. Americas Most Wanted/Gail Kim & Matt Bentley & Frankie Kazarian Vs. The James Gang, Norman Smiley & Shark Boy.
   Its time once again for that TNA staple the random multi-man tag match. Apparently, Jerry Lynn's question to the wonder jobbers" "Shouldn't you be in the ring?" was a silly question as the answer is no, they shouldn't have been. Given that they didn't have a match on this show what was Lynn's problem?
   
   James Gang's music is cut off thankfully so is the stale ass entrance.
   
   Americas Most Wanted = most dominant team in TNA is as impressive as me being the smartest person in this room...and I'm the only one in it.
   
   8 team triple chance battle royal? Sounds complicated, of course it is, its TNA.
   
   The rules:
   
   1. 16 man battle royal.
      
   2. When you are eliminated you wait on the outside until your partner is eliminated.
      
   3. When it gets down to the last 2, the partners rejoin for a tag match with the winning team earning a title shot or something.
   
   
   Harris and Storm argue about something, I don't know what they're complaining about, they did win the match. Its not like you score extra points for being the guy that officially got the pin.
   
   Commercial Break:
   Lets see how many teams I can name for that 8 team battle royal?
   
   
   1. Americas Most Wanted
      
   2. The James Gang
      
   3. The Naturals
      
   4. Shelley & Devine
      
   5. Kazarian & Bentley
      
   6. Dutt & Lethal
      
   7. Shark Boy & Norman Smiley
      
   8. Beavis & Butt-head
   
   
   Now I'll list all the teams in the match I care for.
   
   OK that was fun now what?
   
   Jackass 2, cause you know the first 1 beat Titanic. Blade is still on! Bound for Glory is the biggest PPV in TNA history at least until Genesis.
   
   Backstage: Borash is with Eric Young. Roe Vs. Wade and the OJ trial? Funny lines I suppose but what ever.
4. They try to ask Jarrett basic questions like his name and if he's the NWA champion but Eric Young protests.
   
   You know as someone that has taken a lie detector test, I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.
   
   Back with Mike and Don saying stuff about the stuff we just watched. Oh yay! We're talking Naturals, the most funnest excitingest team in the world. Shane says if they don't win that battle royal he's ending the experiment. I am hoping they lose more than I have hoped for anything else in quite some time.
6. Ok random battle royal question, what happens if the last 2 men in the ring are already tag team partners? Do they just go find other random people and wrestle anyway? I have now put more thought into that question than TNA has put in to 80 percent of its angles this year.
   
   Shane The Naturals aren't happy that Shane might end the experiment and this segment becomes even more painful. No, this wasn't the good kind of pain all the hip kids on the street talk about either.
   
   Commercial break
   The yodeling in the first commercial for slimjim is more interesting than the Naturals segment.
   
   
   Fox family Sunday commercial reminds me that I'd rather be watching that than this.
   
   Raven promo talking about his group or something. You know what would be a real shame? If Runt turned on Raven after all those nice things he said about him.
   
   
7. Christian Vs. Ron Killings, in not just a match, not even a challenge match, but a special challenge match. Cause everything is more special with the word special in front of it. Every match is also a greater challenge with the word challenge in front of it.
   
   Ron Killings wants to know What's Up? He's hoping that its his contract and soon.
   
   Tenay calls this a PPV quality match, I would call the quality of that particular PPV rotten.
   
   This match is of such high PPV quality that Tenay and West are talking about October's PPV. Buy tickets for the fanfest, buy tickets for Bound for Glory, go to TNA Wrestling.com
   
   Truth's most impressive offensive move by far is the one where he asks "What's up?" it renders his opponents incapable of punching him in the mouth.
   
   Commercial break!
   
   Its John Madden and he has athlete's foot. It must be from all that bus riding he does, fly and you'll have less athlete's foot. Me, I have couch potato foot. I also have a foot of many colors.
   
   Sprint is faster than singular, so you can work faster if you've got sprint. That's a good selling point for singular, its for all the people that just don't care and do their job as slow as possible just to annoy the boss...hey I suddenly realize I need a singular phone.
   
   Slammin Saturday night, hey remember Slamball? Yeah me neither.
   
   No Surrender commercial.
   
   Are you prepared to watch the horror again? TNA Lockdown now on DVD. See people, Lockdown frightens small children. Its bad, so don't buy it. Buy me something instead, your money will be better spent.
   
   Christian and Truth are still wrestling because the people demanded it. The people also demanded that Tenay and West continue talking about Jeff Jarrett.
   
   Remember everyone, go to TNA Wrestling.com and for those of you that haven't heard you can find stuff out at TNA Wrestling.com
   
   West says that the TNA Knockouts DVD is worth the buy, I'll be the judge of that as soon as I can bring myself to watch it. That may require I get up, so it could be another week or 2.
   
   Christian gets the win, in the best wrestling match I've seen this week. Hey, I think I should mention that the only other matches I've seen this week were on this show.
   
   Christian goes to do something wrong according to Don West but Rhino comes out to stand for all that is good and right in the world.
   
   Rhino gets a good ovation. He calls Christian a girl....oooo, them's fighting words! Good thing he challenged Christian to what I guess would be an inter-gender match if Rhino is to be believed.
   
   OK, God is Rhino's witness, Christian Cage will be cut in half with a gore. If this doesn't happen, Rhino's going to hell.
   
   Borash and Jarrett backstage. Jarrett gives Young a job for life cause he's got more power than Cornette but not enough to get out of the polygraph test.
   
   Innocent or guilty, next on Judge Judy, or iMPACT I forget which.
   
   Good thing I'm not on trial in TNA as all that's needed for proof s a lie detector test, no witnesses or anything of that nature required!
   
   Commercial Break!
   
   John Madden still has athletes foot. Can he get rid of it? Tune in to iMPACT next week to find out or call Mean Gene's WCW hotline at 1-900-909-9900 (and yes that was the real number, and no I don't know how I can remember this but not remember yesterday)
   
   Ultimate X promo. I would joke about this match but I actually kind of enjoy the gimmick.
   
   
8. Jeff Jarrett Vs. The Legal System.
   Cornette takes time out from his busy schedule to accept Rhino's challenge to Christian.
   
   Jarrett comes out to loud boos, not to be confused with legitimate heel heat.
   
   Tenay: Bound for Glory is the biggest PPV in TNA's history, but please remember to order No Surrender 9/24.
   
   New public face of TNA management is the lamest job title ever. How about Chief Loud mouth officer.
   
   Ah ha, these tests aren't admissible in court, but it'll determine guilt and or innocence tonight.
   
   Questions:
   
   1. He didn't know about Christian turning on Sting? He was the only 1 then.
      
   2. Was he involved in the Hebner-Larry Z conspiracy? No, but Hebner seems to think otherwise.
      
   3. Has he conspired with Larry z in the past year? Yes.
   
   
   Cornette says that when Jarrett's lips are moving he's lying, then he must not have been moving his lips when he answered the first 2 questions.
   
   Cornette can't make him defend the title because that wouldn't be fair to Sting but I have to ask, how is this match fair to Samoa Joe?
   
   Who are you wrestling? Crowd blows it by chanting "Joe, Joe, Joe" its a good thing that Joe Gomez wasn't backstage.
   
   Cornette who is supposed to be impartial chants "Joe's gonna kill you." I'm not sure but that might be showing favoritism.

Thoughts: Tune in next week for TNA Groundhog day, where the more things stay the same, the more they stay the same.