TNA iMPACT 10/26/2006

Its time for the iMPACT recap that is more exciting than everything else on the planet in its entire history combined in to 1 ball, or cone of excitement if you will. This could be the biggest iMPACT recap in the history of the Old Country Corner and I'm not just saying that, its true this could be the biggest 1 since last week and the biggest 1 until next week.

Some show with fighting is just ending, but who cares about that simple stuff like 2 guys fighting to win something? We need complicated stip matches to make real money!

This is Total Nonstop Action the more modern symbol of grappling that people get paid to participate in.

• We kick the show off with a recap of Bound for Glory. Highlights and I use that term in the ironic sense of Monsters Ball and the 8-mile streetfight air, as well as the X-title match (AKA the good match on the show) and of course the Angle/Samoa Joe confrontation. Now its LAX promo time and highlights of that cage match with the crazy ass psychology. Of course we look at Sting and Jarrett. We get no highlights and again I use the term in the ironic sense of the Gauntlet thing or the 4-way tag. You have no idea how fine I am with this development.
  
  
• Now we get the usual iMPACT opening. Jeremy Borash isn't backstage waiting for anyone...yet.
  
  
• Tenay and West call BFG unforgettable. Its true, I'm trying and it hasn't worked yet.
  
  
• Tenay just announced Angle/Joe for Genesis. Seriously, he said it with all the excitement of "The sun, rises in the east."
  
  
• They talk about a tournament to find Sting a challenger at Genesis. I love tournaments, they're simple, straight forward and if you get a bracket they're easy to follow. They're not needlessly over-complicated and as I said are easy for people to follow. Thank goodness that TNA is finding a challenger in a simple straight forward way. Something that might hook viewers who appreciate its simple effectiveness.
  
  
• Sting is headed to the ring. Tenay calls this an incredible reaction, incredibly quiet perhaps.
  
  
• Christian comes out even before Sting can speak. I've got problem 0 with this.
  
  
• Christian says Sting has been stealing his Thunder. Why would Sting need to steal Christian's vast WCW Thunder tape collection? You'd think Sting would have his own.
  
  
• Christian complains that he hasn't gotten his rematch from losing the title yet. Tenay says he has to earn it, yeah those automatic rematch clauses are always earned.
  
  
• Christian complains about being in an 18 man tournament to earn his shot. Well, typically a tournament has 16 participants but I think they could make 18 work. The bracket will look a little different but hey, at least its not a 32 man tournament.
  
  
• Christian says Sting has the stroke (no, that's Jarrett's finish) to name his opponent at Genesis so why not give the people what they want Sting Vs. Christian? TNA isn't about giving people what they want.
  
  
• Sting says that Christian can have a title shot but it won't be at Genesis it will be when Sting says so. Hmmm, its like money in the bank in reverse. Champion names the time and place, and the angle draws no money.
  
  
• Sting beats up Christian.
  
  
• Jeremy Borash backstage and says that Angle will speak in front of the iMPACT zone crowd for the first time. Samoa Joe is not an Angle fan, but I can't think of why that is.
  
  As we go to Commercial, Christy hypes the Angle interview and Fight for the Right. Hey, I like that the tournament has an easy to remember name, so that people can tell all their friends about it. Its simplistic enough that you know what's going on but still vague enough that you wonder: "What are they fighting for the right to do?" So, we've got a tournament which is easy for people to understand and it has a good name, I'm a little iffy on 18 men but its still doable. So far, so good. Nice and simple, yes sir, not complicated at all.
  
  Commercial Break!!!
  I switch the channel to Fox just in time to see some Series or something get tied up by the team from St. Louis. Hey, it ties in because this is the finals of a simplistic tournament that's easy to follow, just like we're getting on iMPACT tonight. This is truly the work of the Lord.
  
  
• Back on iMPACT. Shane Douglas calls it his privilege and honor to introduce the #1 contenders to the tag titles, the Naturals. I'd call it an embarrassment and a choir but that's just me.
  
  
• In order to show how big of a threat the Naturals are to the belts, Tenay and West talk about what LAX did to Gail Kim last week and don't even mention the Naturals once.
  
  
  1. The Naturals Vs. Latin American Xchange for the NWA tag team titles.
  
  Americas Most Wanted jump LAX as they head out to the ring to squash the Natural....err...wrestle the Naturals in a match that could go to either team. Finally, TNA's crack security squad and that's crack in the sarcastic sense for those that are confused take AMW away as the bell rings.
  
  
• To show what a threat the Naturals are to LAX in this match Tenay and West talk about Angle Vs. Joe at Genesis and hype a Jeff Jarrett interview for later. They must think that a Naturals victory is such a sure thing that they don't even need to talk about it.
  
  
• Homicide hits the Gringo Killa and now Hernandez hits the border toss. The 3-count is academic.
  
  Winner: NWA World Tag Team Champions - LAX
  
  
• So to recap, AMW attacks LAX and LAX beats the #1 contenders the Naturals roughly 3 minutes later. No wonder Shane Douglas is pissed, his team fucking sucks!
  
  Douglas is yelling at the Naturals and slaps Chase Stevens who is tired of being whipped tonight and so they fight back. Now the fans who loved Douglas when this whole thing started are chanting "Kick his Ass", and apparently a bloody Shane Douglas is happy they attacked him.
  
  
• Alex Shelley is with Kevin Nash. Apparently, Johnny Devine is out of the Paparazzi due to being uppity or something and here is Austin Starr. Devine wasn't a good fit anyway but this was another whatever.
  
  Commercial Break!!!
  Seriously, the Naturals were the biggest jobbers in the company in that last segment. Even David Young was like "Dude, it sucks to be them." Let me recap this for you 1 more time.
  
  The #1 contenders for the tag titles, stand in the ring as the champions get beaten down and then lose to said team in less than 3 minutes. This while the announcers mention the presence of the #1 contenders exactly 1 time in the whole segment before the match has concluded. No wonder they'll never get over.
  
  
• LAX video plays and its actually a commercial for Genesis.
  
  We're back.
  
  
  2. 18 wrestlers are in place for stage 1 of the Fight for the Right tournament. I hope that stage 1 is a fancy name for bracket.
  
  
  
• Oh Jesus, these rules.
  
  1. Stage 1, a battle royal, where you need to get into the ring.
     
  2. Once 7 people make it into the ring, they are the participants in stage 2 which is a battle royal.
     
  3. Once you are eliminated, you face the next man eliminated in a singles match while the winner of the battle royal gets a bye.
     
  4. the final 2 men will meet in a singles match with the winner earning a title shot.
  
  
  Seriously, those are the rules. I know I make jokes but holy shit these are the real rules. People at home better have pen and paper right now. To make matters worse, they didn't introduce any of the 18 wrestlers. We have no idea why any of these men were picked for the tournament or anything.
  
  Robert Roode was first to make it into the ring and Chris Sabin was second. A couple more people make it in, I think it was AJ and Daniels. Next to make it into the match was Abyss followed by Lance Hoyt.
  
  Christian was about to make it in when Rhino who I swear to god Don West said: "Didn't want to be in this." took him out. Ron Killings was last to qualify.
  
  Qualifiers:
  
  1. Robert Roode
     
  2. Chris Sabin
     
  3. AJ Styles
     
  4. Christopher Daniels
     
  5. Abyss
     
  6. Lance Hoyt
     
  7. Ron Killings
  
  
  Commercial Break!!
  I have never seen anything more over-complicated than this tournament. A reverse battle royal, that leads to a battle royal that sets up singles matches that take the form of a bracket for a tournament to find Sting an opponent.
  
  I'm serious, this just really happened. I swear to God in heaven I am not joking, that is actually what TNA did. I don't have a problem with a battle royal setting up tournament pairings as at least that's a way of explaining why wrestler A is wrestling wrestler B in round 1 but that's not what we got. We didn't even get a nice number like 20, we got 18. This battle royal was so important that Rhino "didn't want to be in it" to prepare for his match with Christian on Nov. 16.
  
  I have never seen anything as stupid as this. Oh Jesus, this just got more complicated, apparently the Bye isn't just for the first round its a bye all the way to the fricken final round.
  
  Eliminations:
  
  1. Ron Killings 7th seed.
     
  2. Chris Sabin 6th seed.
     Announcers plug the move to prime time as this wacky ass tournament continues. At least this time the announcers are calling Robert Roode by his name instead of Bobby Roode.
     
  3. Christopher Daniels 5th seed.
     
  4. Robert Roode 4th seed.
     
  5. AJ Styles 3rd seed
  
  
  and before we can find out that Lance Hoyt is tossed out by Abyss, Uh, I mean who wins, we go to a
  
  Commercial Break!!!
  I can't believe what I'm watching. You couldn't complicate a tournament more than they have complicated this one. Seriously, why not toss in Penguins? Nobody can follow this thing anyway, so why not add more rules? I'd like to think that TNA has a big hat and without the hat this is not nearly as funny. They toss random stipulations and random numbers into a hat and draw them out as needed. So, we should be thankful when they were trying to decide the number of stages for this tournament, that 3 came out and not 10. God help me if they had drawn 10. Participants 18, OK. I wish I had been there when reverse battle royal was drawn randomly as the first stip and battle royal the second.
  
  Do you realize what we saw, to qualify you had to make it into the ring and then to be eliminated you had to be kicked out of the ring. I am completely serious. This is really what happened.
  
  After this rant we saw a couple of DVD commercials for Sting and Best of the X-division 2.
  
  Wait a minute, this battle royal is now a singles match. Apparently, when you get down to the final 2 it turns into a singles match with the winner getting a bye. You know they probably explained this, but I was lost in the legal red-tape that was the rest of this tournament. Although this development does sadden me because here I thought you couldn't complicate a tournament any further.
  
  So for those lost the singles match for a bye to the finals is between Abyss and Lance Hoyt.
  
  The first segment of this wacky tournament thing seems a hundred segments ago. Abyss wins the match, I guess that means that he's uh, something.
  
  The announcers are so confused they just throw to a Jarrett interview.
  
  
• Borash with Jarrett as some sappy music plays. This was taped after BFG I suppose. Jarrett saw a new Sting when he walked down the isle. Jarrett is crying, I watched the match and felt like doing the same.
  
  Borash who apparently had not heard about the super-ultra-ultimate-funtastic-awesome not complicated at all tournament asked Jarrett if he wanted a rematch at Genesis. Jarrett says he's going home. See Jarrett knew what was coming and wanted to be far far away from the tournament of death. Jesus, that tournament. Jarrett's crying and talking about things that are meant to turn him face and I'm sitting here thinking that the NFL needs to scrap its playoffs format and determine super bowl participants by following the TNA game plan.
  
  I have no idea what Jarrett said, I heard the phrase "be careful what you wish for". You know, its true, only last week I was like TNA should do a tournament to find an opponent for the champion at Genesis. I wished upon a star and to Austin Starr for the record (though maybe that was the problem? for this and I got what I wished for in fantastic ways I couldn't possibly imagine.
  
  
• Tenay and West after Jarrett's interview are as sad as if their dog had died.
  
  Commercial Break!!!
  Oh, while I'm here I probably should do what TNA hasn't done and tell you what the other 3 first round matches are in the tournament that can't possibly end.
  
  
  1. Ron Killings Vs. Lance Hoyt
     
  2. AJ Styles Vs. Chris Sabin
     
  3. Robert Roode Vs. Christopher Daniels
  
  I feel it only fair to tell you that had I not read the spoilers I would not know this. Although I wish I hadn't read the spoilers, I wonder how I would've reacted to this tournament not knowing the rules going in?
  
  
• Angle recap from BFG, he says he was going to be the special enforcer for the greatest main event in history. Well, I don't know about that but he was the enforcer for Sting and Jeff Jarrett.
  
  
• David Penzer called Angle the only Gold Medalist in professional wrestling history.
  He'll get something from the Iron Sheik for that and if I had to guess I'd say:
  
  
  1. Suplex
     
  2. Camel Clutch
     
  3. Broken back
     
  4. Ass fucking
     
  5. Old Country Humbling
  
  
  
• A lot of people asked why Angle left the other place to go to TNA. I didn't ask, I know. Angle says he quit, reality says something else but what does reality know?
  
  
• Angle wants to wrestle in front of the best audience in the world. I hope he achieves his dream some day. He also chants the call letters of the promotion.
  
  
• He says no other company has the talent that TNA has. Well, some of them are TNA exclusive I guess.
  
  
• Samoa Joe made Angle want to quit and come to TNA. I'm not sure how he accomplished this. Crowd chants "Joe's gonna kill you" at Angle. Angle says he's terrified of Samoa Joe, but that he feeds on this. Joe I'm sure wants to make sure that Angle has enough to eat.
  
  
• Angle says Joe is undefeated, well unless you could all those times he lost in 3-ways or tag matches.
  
  
• Joe hits the ring and the bell rings but I'm not sure why since its not a match. Crowd chants let them fight as the security tries to separate them. Security hates TNA fans!!! The dressing rooms have emptied to keep them apart because you know there were people that hadn't been on this show yet but God only knows who they are since I have no idea who was in that tournament earlier. I can't even say for sure it was only 18. It could've been 50 and I'd not know.

The show goes off the air.

My thoughts: I'd tell you that you have to see this show to believe it but I'd be lying. I saw this show and I still don't believe it. I deserve a PH.D for trying to make sense of that tournament.
This company just doesn't get it. They need to remember a saying that would help them greatly. "Keep it Simple, Stupid". I realize that the problem is that its only 4 words but if you can find a 50,000 page book where the whole point is "Keep it Simple, Stupid" but we have a bunch of rabbit trails and other things that have nothing to do with it in there then maybe TNA will figure it out. How the hell is something like that monstrosity going to make anyone want to watch this show? Memo to TNA, if you need a flow chart, a spread sheet and a calculator to figure out what's happening in a segment that's not wrestling its math. I hate math!
Just picture if even for a second that you are explaining this tournament to someone that isn't a wrestling fan. I think just for fun, I should call Jessica and explain this to her. I know she won't understand it because I don't understand it and I follow this bullshit. God help them when they have to edit a highlight video to show at Genesis to try and explain how the eventual winner of this thing, assuming that there is a winner and an end actually got this shot.
Seriously, I could rant on that thing all day. I will never forget this tournament as long as I live. Good look to Midway working that stipulation match into the video game. We couldn't just have 16 or 8 guys have a standard tournament, no we needed rules that not 1 single fucking person can follow. I say why not go all the way and decide that the person who loses each match moves on to the next round and the winner of the tournament is the guy that loses all of his matches. It couldn't possibly confuse things more than they already were.
As for the rest of the show, the Naturals are jobbers, I have no idea what Jeff Jarrett said because his interview had the misfortune of following the tournament of doom and Angle and Joe had a segment that was over-shadowed by that thing in the middle of the show. If we made this in to a movie, it would be called "Monster Tournament" although if TNA were in charge of the title it would have a lot more words in it but it would mean "Monster Tournament". Ok, I'm done with this show for now.