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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

01/24/2007 As TNA turns recap

Heavy swearing abounds.
***You have been warned***

Welcome to your coverage of the best wrestling show on this date of this year.

TNA...We are driving me to a slow and painful death.

I'm not using a borrent tonight and I could live to regret this decision.

The show starts with a recap of last week between Christian and Angle. Actually, before that Sting threatens to tell Abyss' secret tonight. Sting should never wonder why people keep secrets from him.

We start the show with Samoa Joe headed out to the ring.

Scott is here and we're talking about how it seems like everyone in TNA is a Tweener.

Samoa Joe wants to know why Samoa Joe would help Kurt Angle. I suggest Joe ask himself. I think the fans are chanting Respect. Now they're chanting "You tapped out".
Joe says Angle didn't beat Joe, he ran out of time. Uh, I think that means he beat you.
Joe is making it his cause to give Angle a fair title shot. He will be an unofficial enforcer at Against All Odds. Joe wants to see Angle win so he can beat him for the title. Kurt Angle's music means that he's coming to the ring. I bet he has an objection to something Joe just said.
God I hate these fans. First they chant "You tapped out", and then Kurt Angle comes out and they chant for Joe. These people earn a thumbs down.
Now Angle's talking about Christian's anger management consultant. Kurt Angle says that well, he says a lot of things and he implies that Joe is Christian's guy. Of course, it isn't going to be Joe.
Angle threatens to snap Joe's ankle and shove it up his ass. Now there's a trick.

Here comes Christian Cage. This feels like the opening segment of Raw back in 2002. Only difference is that Raw was 2 hours.

Christian says Joe's not the guy. He also says that Angle's going to get another clue and this person is closer to him than he thinks. Perhaps its Karen Angle? Now that would be funny.

The segment devolves in to a brief brawl.

The talking heads do what they do best. Tomko comes out and says something I don't care about.

JB is backstage with Mitchell and Abyss. Mitchell mentions the fact that Sting committed crimes last week. See, I knew Sting was a criminal last week. Abyss is unhappy and I'm sure I know why. Mitchell challenges him to a match with Abyss at Against All Odds.

12 minutes in and they haven't gone to the ring yet.

Commercial Break!

Jim Cornette doesn't understand Serotonin. Neither do the 1.5 million people who watched this show last week. Scott wants to know if Raven loses, does he get caned? You know that's not a bad question.
He tells Raven that TNA pays Raven to wrestle so that's what he's going to do. TNA pays Russo to be a compitant booker and yet he hasn't done that even once so why be so stringent now.

It seems that Raven and AJ Styles are 1 in the same at least during this one match. Kendo stick gets involved and AJ is DQ'd 30 seconds in.

Winner: Rhino
So did the other members of Serotonin know that it was Styles and not Raven? Did AJ pay them off? How'd that work? More questions asked than I really want an answer to.

Christian is in the TV truck. He asks if they know what they're doing. I ask that during the Pay Per Views when they miss high spots. Apparently, they have 9 cameras for the show but Christian needs 3.5 more. I'm not entirely sure why he needs them he just does.

Commercial Break!
9:20 PM and 30 seconds of wrestling. God I hate this show.

Ron Killings is apparently headed to Hollywood.

Paparazzi Productions video. Eric Young is trying to buy condoms but he needs smaller ones. You see, Eric Young has a small penis, he must be Japanese (for you south park fans) Don West said this was supposed to be funny, I say he is lying. James Storm shows up for a reason that I don't care about and don't want to care about. Robert Roode says Traci has until next week to sign Young to the contract. Here I was hoping TNA had forgotten about that aspect of the angle just like I did.

Match 2: Jerry Lynn Vs. Chris Sabin Vs. Austin Starr Vs. Senshi
Sabin is the only 1 that gets an introduction.

This match highlights something I hate about wrestling in general and TNA is perhaps the worst offender not that WWE isn't very guilty of something similar. This is a non-title match involving 4 people including the champion. Yet, there is no good reason for this match to take place if you think about it. Sure, Lynn is feuding with Sabin and Starr with Senshi but that doesn't explain why a 4-way was needed.

Lynn scores the pin on Sabin with a roll-up.
Winner: Jerry Lynn
See, they couldn't just have Lynn pin Sabin in a non-title 1-on-1 match to set up a title match, no they had to toss in 2 other men for no reason at all to do a finish that could've been done without them. I hate Vince Russo.

B.G. wants to apologize to Christy Hemme. Kip says TNA is a man's world and he's not politically correct. He's also not entertaining but seems less willing to highlight that aspect of his character.

Commercial Break.
9:32 PM and about 5:30 of wrestling. WSX will be a half hour show and have more in-ring content, and I will want to punch Russo out even more. Its not that I don't like angle's or backstage stuff or what have you but seriously if you're going to have 5:30 of wrestling why bother having any on the show at all. Just change it to as TNA turns and get it the fuck over with. Have I mentioned in this sentence how much I hate Vince Russo?

Video package airs. Konnan is using a walker. He's at least able to cut a promo and I'm all right with this. He points out that LAX broke up both Styles and Daniels and America's Most Wanted. He says 3D is next and God I hope so. Break them up then fire Bubba's ass, but it won't make him humbill.

Here comes Sting the blabbermouth. Seriously, I was such a Sting fan back in the day but he's been a real jerk in this feud. He found out what Abyss did by looking it up. Wasted all that time on Mitchell last week. He knows Abyss will be pissed when he reveals what happened. Abyss shot his father in the back and put him in a coma. Now the question is why? Tune in next week to as TNA turns. Abyss hits the ring and the brawl is on. Sting said this was for Abyss' own good but never explained what good was supposed to come from this. God fucking damn Vince Russo, suck on your own cock and die shit head.

This brawl has gone on for almost as long as the first 2 matches on this show combined.

Commercial Break!
Bullet to Russo's head...Bullet to Russo's head...Bullet to Russo's head...Bullet to Russo's head...bullet to Russo's head! 9:43 PM, 5:30 of wrestling and a 3 or 3:30 brawl. There's not enough room on Vince Russo's body to support all of the new assholes I want to rip him.

They show the Heath Herring video in the fight night live commercial and I instantly feel better.

Commercial for the Bound for Glory DVD that comes out next week but which I already own, due to purchasing the Final Resolution gift pack.

An Ambulance comes to the iMPACT zone because this show is quickly dying. Oh, and because Abyss tried to light Sting on fire. That's the other reason for the EMT's.

JB: Christian is all over this show. At least when he's on camera he's talking and I prefer his talking to anything else that he does. But I don't need it in 3 segments on a 40 minute show. Christian asks Tomko if he has the next clue for Angle ready and Tomko says that he does. Even Tomko answering with the word yes is giving him too many lines.

Match 3: Christopher Daniels Vs. Christian Cage
Its another match that's taking place just because we need a match. Is it too much to ask to have matches that lead to something other than an excuse for others to run in? Speaking of that, 2 minutes in and Samoa Joe is headed to the ring with a chair. As of this moment, he's just sitting.

Commercial break!
I've got a free angle idea for TNA. It is an angle that I suggested to WWE but they turned it down because:
A. It did not involve enough mentions of Vince McMahon's balls the size of grapefruits on steroids.
B. It did not feature Divas wanting to have sex with Vince McMahon.
C. Vince McMahon's wrestling genius was not mentioned enough.
D. It was determined that this angle might lead to someone with a last name that is not McMahon getting over.

The idea. Wrestler A is the number 1 contender for the world title because he wins enough matches to earn the shot. Wrestler B wants to be the number 1 contender to the world title and figures that the best way to do this is beat Wrestler A. So, wrestler B challenges wrestler A and if he wins, Wrestler B is the new top contender for the title. Now, as this is being sent to Vince Russo, I did include a swerve to shock the world. Now that I've got your attention Vince, The swerve is that...

there fucking isn't 1, you braindead retard!

What an awesome swerve that is.

JB is out and wondering why Samoa Joe is out here. He should come and ask me why I still am bothering with tonight's broadcast. Apparently Joe is out for his "friend" Kurt Angle, who BTW is no where near the ring. At this point shooting Russo would waste a perfectly good bullet not to mention what it does to a perfectly valid law of physics.
Tomko tries interfering a couple of times but Joe stops him. Christian hits the Unprettier and wins the match in about 6 minutes. So we have 11:30 of wrestling unofficially on this show.

Winner: Christian Cage
Match was decent in terms of work but this show broke my spirit to the point that it could've been a 10 star superclassic and I'd still be pissed. Christian gives Joe the thumbs up and I guess that's another clue, as Angle came out to witness that part.

I've never been so happy to see a show ending video.

I swear to God Jesus and Mr. McMahon that during the final video, Scott said the following: "So, what was the hint?" That sums up this trainwreck in 5 words better than I did in this whole damn report.

Final Thoughts: This show made last week's which I thought was only ok seem like the greatest show in history.
TNA's slogan "We are wrestling" My slogan, "You are full of shit". This was a soap-opera that was like if the worst episode of Raw had sex with the typical episode of ECW and spawned a child.

I want to like TNA I really do. I don't want to live in a world where the WWE is the only viable national wrestling promotion. However, if I wanted to watch a second rate version of WWE I'd watch ECW. This show was so horrificly bad tonight that I can't even express how many different ways that Vince Russo needs to die.

I'm solutions oriented so here are some of the things I would do to fix TNA.

1. Change the company's name.
2. Team 3D, Kevin Nash, VKM, Sting, Jeff Jarrett, Tomko...all gone, and that's just off the top of my head.
3. A vast majority of the front office, replaced.
4. Hire people and insist that they watch UFC to learn something.

I've had it about up to here with professional wrestling. WWE killed my spirit so long ago that I forgot when it happened by making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over and by the mentality that they know better than their audience what their audience wants. Then Dixie Carter comes along and in what I only hope was a PMS caused bout of insanity brings Vince fucking Russo the wrestling company killer in to completely fuck up a company that wasn't perfect before by any means, but at least was non-offensive and not the kind of show that made me feel embarrassed to watch and he turns iMPACT in to a second rate, version of a shitty WWE product. A second rate version of the WWE in say 2000 that would be ok, what TNA is right now is pissing on the grave of the spirit WWE killed and that may piss me off even more than WWE killing my spirit in the first place.

I will carry on, because I'm a lot younger than Vince Russo and thus likely to out live him. If I ever meet him I swear I'm going to throw a punch and the words fucking retarded stupid son of a bitch will leave my mouth, guaranteed.

The booking of this company under D'Amoore and the others never led anywhere and had its share of uninteresting angles, but I never watched a show under that regime and said to myself, that a bullet to my brain would not be a bad idea right about now.

Between what the WWE has devolved into, which is a glorified McMahon dick sucking contest, and the ever growing shit-hole of Vince Russo led TNA, and given the fact I don't have enough money to spend on lots of RoH DVDs, is it any wonder right now that I am happy to say that...

MMA Number Von!

I'm not spell checking this review, Russo's shitty booking doesn't deserve words spelled properly.

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