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Friday, January 19, 2007

1/19/2007 TNA iMPACT recap

Welcome to the recap that is partly why Ric compared me to the Rock the other day.

Using another Tit Borrent of the show...God bless the internet.

My reason for the lateness of this is that I'm gradually making my way through the OCC archives giving each post labels so it will be easy to find things. None of you care, but I'm doing it any way just because I'm a nice guy. None of you care about TNA either but they're doing it anyway just because they're stupid.

Tonight's show is headlined by Kurt Angle Vs. AJ Styles. As one person who is admittedly a fan of actual good in ring matches, I'd like to commend TNA for booking a match like this that a certain portion of their fan base would think is a big deal and giving it away for free. I'd also like to congratulate them on having the common sense to tease this for a few weeks, then announce the match and promo it as the main event of tonight's show for a few weeks to build interest. That's real smart on their part.

Oh, that's not what happened? They announced this on their website on Monday? It occurs to me that TNA may be so stupid that they actually believe a majority of the people watching their show will read the spoilers. As I said before how this company isn't making billions every week is something I'll never easily understand.

Enough of my pre disaster rant, lets get on with the show.

TNA...we are, WWE's third brand (better wrestlers than ECW) but if you don't like that or are an ECW fan how about this slogan.

TNA...forth out of three ain't bad.

We start out with Sting or as Mike Tenay says Steve Bordon acting out of character and committing several crimes at once in an attack on James Mitchell. Its a good thing there is video footage of this should Mitchell decide to pursue his legal rights and take Sting Bordon to court.

You know Mitchell is in pain because he screams like he's in pain. I love how the camera crew does nothing but film this. No call for help or anything. I also love how TNA has enough camera crews to film in the arena and on location. I'm beginning to see why they don't make billions.

Final Resolution video airs. Highlighting the title matches and some Angle Vs. Joe match.

Now we get the usual opening for this usually terrible show.

Tenay starts the show by reminding us that Christian and Angle won their matches and will face at Against All Odds. Don West runs down the show, but not in the same way I run down the show.

Borash backstage with Team 3D. I'd just like to announce that Brother Ray is an unprofessional piece of shit and should be fired. He claims that Team 3D has been screwed over many times by many people but not by anyone in their own family. I could swear that's not true.

Match 1: NWA World Tag Team Championship, The Latin American Xchange Vs. Team 3D
Champs complete with Moody Jack intro which I guess means he's back enter the ring first.

Team 3D hit the ring and the brawl is on. I know you're likely to say that I'm just an LAX mark when I say this but watching the horrible that was their title match at the PPV, it was mostly 3D's fault. These guys are a waste when they're not allowed to win in a worked sport.

Tenay mentions iMPACT on next Wednesday at 10:00 9:00 Central. This means that next Thursday I'll have a show I can look forward to recapping.

This match is already better than the PPV match. Though that's really liked saying that getting shot in the ass is better than getting shot in the balls.

Moody Jack distracts 3D by getting on the microphone and ordering his lunch. He then tosses the slapjack to Hernandez who hits Ray and gets the pin.

Winners: Latin American Xchange
This fair weather crowd irritates me a lot of the time. One second they're chanting for Homicide and the next second the same people are chanting for D-von and its not the duel chant deal.

We go back to Borash who says that there is chaos backstage. He was 1 half of High Voltage if I remember my jobber WCW tag teams correctly. Abyss is yelling and screaming, I think he needs something perhaps some prunes are in order?
Then as if that wasn't enough and trust me it was more than enough, we see Gail Kim brawling with Jacqueline who James Storm insists be called Ms. Tennessee. She was also Ms. Texas at 1 time so she's making her way across the country. She's what we'd call a "State slut" if we called anything that which we don't so never mind.

Now we're back to the heads that do the talking who remind us of what we just saw because you know we're all so stupid we forgot what happened 15 seconds ago. Unless this was just a well done edit job and this happened after the first commercial break. When I say well-done edit job I of course mean by the Borrent producer not TNA.

The talkless headsmen are talking about Christy Hemme and her performance at Final Resolution.

Dear God she's talking and crying all over again this is like what a really awesome segment would look like if it got really well-done plastic surgery to look like it sucked.

Christian Cage comes out to the ring I guess to talk about how women are being held down by the man. I don't have to hold any woman down, they stay that way willingly. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week...and I'm also single on a completely probably hopefully unrelated note.

Although to any single women out there, I do recap this show every week which means I exude the following qualities: Generosity, patience, long-suffering, a good sense of humor, willing to pay attention to those less fortunate than myself, and good looking. In short recapping TNA proves I'm the perfect man, just trust me on this. But if that isn't enough to convince you and I'm not sure why it wouldn't be, I also buy every TNA Pay Per View and DVD. This proves that I'm stupid and easily manipulated by others and if those aren't qualities that women find attractive in men then just call me single for life.

Oh yeah, Christian wants to talk...I bet it will be easier for him when I unpause the video.

Yep, I resumed playing and he starts almost immediately, its funny how that works. Christian says he's the biggest star in TNA. I'm the best looking man in this apartment right now, guess which is most impressive?

Which is a greater prize, the NWA title or the prize in a crackerjack box? Hey, Crackerjacks that'd be better than this right now.

Christian calls Angle some names. A few are nice, but 1 is worthy of a beep and they don't usually beep nice words. This prompts Angle's music to play which I guess means whatever Christian said was the secret word.

Angle calls Christian gay. He wants Christian to take the title and shine it up and go to bed with it. I don't think that means he's gay, I think that's a different kind of fetish known as Tim Sylvia syndrome.

Christian says Angle doesn't know how to channel his emotions. Christian needs to get inside Angle's head. This just gets worse and worse. Christian has hired a consultant who thinks and wrestles just like Kurt Angle. Hey, maybe he has hired Kurt Angle? Crowd chants "What" all throughout Christian's monologue.

Christian won't tell Angle who it is but he might drop Angle a hint or 2. Angle again wants to know and asks if its Goldberg or Brock Lesnar. Crowd chants for RVD, that's not happening for another few months. Angle suplexes Christian but does not follow with the camel clutch.

If you don't want to know who the anger management consultant is, than skip the bold part. PwInsiderElite.com reported the other day that it is likely the returning to TNA of Scott Steiner.

We get another impressive edit out of the commercials and are back to America's Most Wanted wrestling dumb criminals caught on tape committing crimes under duel identities. Otherwise known as more with Sting and Jim Mitchell and the secondary TNA camera crew. Where the hell are these guys during the TNA PPV's when the director completely misses a highspot?

Hey, I just realized that the word "Identity" contains the word "tit" someone tell Vince Russo!

Tenay helpfully points out that Sting and Steve Bordon is the man committing aggravated assault live on tape. Christian is the greatest wrestler of the decade according to the Against All Odds commercial. This has been 1 shitty decade.

Sting is swearing or someone is swearing and demanding Mitchell tell Abyss' secret. We find out Abyss was in prison for 6 years. Mitchell says its none of Sting's business and I'd argue he has a pretty good point. Sting says he's making it his business I think some people call that being nosy. Mitchell says he won't tell and says he doesn't know why Sting would care. He's not the only one. We know Sting cares but have yet to be told why. Don't get me wrong this is hardly the worst storyline I've ever seen but there are some details that need to be flushed out before it could be something I call better than average. Also notice how Christian is no longer stirring the pot? Mitchell says Abyss was a piece of "Bleep" before I found him, he's nothing and he's garbage. Then why manage him? That's another question, why does Mitchell manage Abyss? It has never been explained other than "He just does", and that was my explanation not TNA's. Well, Mitchell says he uses Abyss and his meal ticket. Well, I suspect Abyss carries an expensive meal ticket so that might be counter productive.

Mitchell still won't tell even though Sting calls him the garbage. Sting says he'll find out tonight, from Abyss, and Mitchell can rot. Then Sting leaves and I guess the camera crew decides to go all "Nature documentary" and not interfere by telling someone about the kidnapping that just occurred. Its like on the discovery channel when you see the snake kill the bunny, that's why I call it "Nature documentary" in nature. See unlike Vince Russo, I sometimes explain things you might not understand.

The camera crew does however inform the talking heads that Sting is headed back to the arena.

Its the PCS guys backstage. Nash says these guys need an extreme makeover, I agree with Nash. Austin Starr comes in and attacks Senshi.

Hold it! The voice over guy said "Up next, will the Estrogen war continue as Ms. Jackie makes her debut with James Storm?" Estrogen war, the only way this would've been better is if it had been said by Darth Vader. Estrogen war, Angle says Christian is gay and sleeps with his belt, and I'm angling for dates. What has this show devolved into lately? If you know the answer, my email is Ric@canvaschronicle.com

Kurt Angle is back with Cornette. Angle says Cornette knows who Angle's guy is and Cornette says he doesn't have a clue. Cornette's not the only 1 but at least he's honest about it.

I've been watching this show for 3 months tonight and we're up to our second match.

Match 2: Lance Hoyt Vs. James Storm
They replay the Pierzynski attack from the PPV. I'll bet we're not done with that just yet.

A new partnership was formed and an old alliance went down the drain at Final Resolution. That old alliance might be next to my $30.

Second announcement of the different day for iMPACT to air. Hopefully a different day means a better show but I'm sure that's not what it means.

Talking heads talk about how we're going to get a major hint about who the consultant is tonight. I'll bet that TNA doesn't come directly out and point out what that hint is even though that's exactly what they should do.

Fans either chant "We want Gail" or "We want Flair" and with this crowd tonight the latter wouldn't surprise me. If they want Gail they're S.O.L. and according to the Natural Born Thrillers in WCW, you know what that means. They're S.O.L. because she's mine. Yes, you got a High Voltage reference and a Natural Born Thrillers reference from me in the same recap and its all yours for free. I'm too nice to all of you I realize and hope you do as well.

I think they're actually chanting "We want gair" but I'm not sure what that is. Now Dale Torborg and Pierzyninininininininski are distracting Lance Hoyt. Storm hits the superkick and gets the 3 Count, and not the guys that feuded with the Jung Dragons in something that was way more entertaining than this match.

Winner: James Storm
Gail Kim comes out while Pierzynski and Torborg attack Hoyt. So we've got 2 fights happening at once so nobody can care about either and now Petey Williams is laid out after running out and its something else nobody cares about.

JB is backstage and Eric Young comes in and wants to go shopping for "Condos" next week for protection. I'm wondering if S.E.X. is back.

Styles is next to talk and he says that Angle has been babied and pampered. I don't want to know how he knows this for certain.

TNA's 50 Greatest Moments DVD commercial airs followed by a commercial for the Sting DVD. I miss Don West in the TNA event center.

Sting has arrived back at the building and he brought Steve Bordon with him.

Match 3: AJ Styles Vs. Kurt Angle
Tenay was disappointed in Styles at the PPV. I was disappointed in the whole thing.

I will give TNA this, I do like Angle's music.

Penzer again calls Angle the only Olympic Gold Medalist in pro wrestling history which is my cue to remind you that the Sheikies are coming but I'm not sure how that segway happened I'm really not.

None of you reading this will even notice the delay but there was as I ran to the bathroom to take a Final Resolution.

Tenay says that Angle can't fall victim to the "Look ahead factor" I say he can't fall victim to the Styles clash but what do I know? Fans wait all of 2 seconds before doing the dueling chants. I'm this close to taking back any good thing I may have ever said about this crowd.

Third mention of the different time for next week's show. Why not mention why its being moved? Crowd informs 1 of these men that he sucks. I think it was the 1 to whom they chanted "AJ sucks". There's this weird squeaky noise every time someone bounces off the ropes and it was present at the PPV as well.

The dueling chants are back from the commercial break only they all chant for Angle...so I guess that's not much of a duel then. Kind of like TNA Vs. WWE. Oh, tag!

You know what else I like about watching a Borrent? I can still watch the show without contributing to its ratings.

Angle hits the Olympic slam on the chair and gets the pin.

Winner: Kurt Angle
Now Angle attacks Tomko from behind as Tomko had come out for no good reason during the match. I guess so it would be easier for Angle to attack him. Christian attacks Angle and its 3 on 1 and first Rhino is out to make the save followed by Samoa Joe.

Christian says that he was going to give Angle a clue and asks if Angle has a clue yet? No, I don't think he does.

The video plays and we come back and Sting or Steve Bordon are both in the ring asking Abyss why he was in prison. Abyss takes the mic but says nothing. Sting is insisting that Abyss start talking. Sting is coming off as a real bully. Sting vows to find out for himself what happened as its public record. So if its public record why did he need to beat up Jim Mitchell? I mean if its public record, why not just go to the hall of records without committing assault of your own? What would've been better is if Sting said he were going to hire a private Investigator to find out because at least then you could almost justify his need to beat up people to get information, but hell if its at city hall why in the hell has he waited this long to discover the secret?

Maybe its me, but that made no sense. Abyss must've felt the same way as he left the ring screaming. He's not the only one I gather.

Final Thoughts: This show contained a lot of the usual logic gaps that plague TNA. AJ Styles Vs. Kurt Angle on free TV with no build was pretty stupid. Sting bossing Abyss around and beating up Jim Mitchell when he said all he had to do was go look up the public record to find out the secret makes this whole thing feel like a waste of time.
However, having said that this was still way better than the last 4 weeks or so of this show. Again, its like saying getting shot in the ass is better than being shot in the balls. It was also better than Sunday's horrible PPV.

On another note, WWE released a bunch of people on Thursday so its time for a new round of hires down in Nashville. Who is going to speculate on whom TNA will end up with after its all said and done? I mean these guys were on WWE TV so they're clearly bigger stars than Christopher Daniels and Samoa Joe and AJ Styles right? Personally, I hope for the Bashams as I personally found them under-rated but who really knows with TNA? I'd almost suspect Turkay as well since he was on ECW just this week and TNA strives to be just as awful on a weekly basis as that show and do a good job with keeping up.

Last but not least, if Ric Gillespie doesn't laugh out loud at least 10 times during this recap then I will personally refund all of the money you all paid to read it because I'm nice that way.

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