TNA iMPACT 05/03/2007 recap

I still want a name for this.

TNA...We are, cracking the whip~! Down with Indy wrestling and internet marks.



We start with a recap of last week and the first thing to be recapped? Jeff Jarrett as Eric Young's friend. Jarrett's holding people back. Then they recount the theatrics of last week with Sting Christian and Angle. I'm glad that giving Angle and Sting away for free translated to iMPACT's best rating ever....oh.

Tonight, it is Team 3D Vs. Samoa Joe and Rhino for the first time ever. Yeah, I've been longing for this one for years.

Speaking of things I've longed for, Sting is coming out to say a few words. He may even try to put them in sentences and stuff.

Quick story about this. I almost decided to go to a torrent of this show for my recap...and what would I have watched instead? A replay of a 2 week old School board meeting. Swear to God Jesus and Mr. McMahon this is true.

Sting is clocked by Angle with a chair. Then they kind of argue about things and I'm not sure why I should care. Christian comes out and asks why we can't all just get along?

Christian says Sting didn't earn the shot at the title Jeff Jarrett handed it to him. Basically, Christian says that both Angle and Sting have a point. So does Beldar Conehead and he's cooler than either Sting or Angle.

Christian proposes that Sting and Angle team up tonight against Cage and Styles. Whomever gets the win gets the shot at the gold and if Styles or Christian win then neither man gets the shot. This is not the most complicated stipulation ever at least.

Is this show over yet?

Sting hesitates at first until Angle calls him a bleep.

Latisha backstage with 3D and she says nothing while Brother Ray cuts a promo. Yes, she gets paid for this. She's like TNA's version of Rochelle Leah only for a much less successful company, but if given the choice I think I'd rather hook up with Dixie Carter than Dana White. I'm sure that Euan would disagree but he's listening to Justin Timberlake so his opinion need not be considered.
Oh, Ray said that the next thing for 3D to do would be defend their title. Yeah, I also thought that was a given.



Match 1: Rhino and Samoa Joe Vs. Team 3D
Rhino and Joe come out separately because they couldn't decide who's music to use, Ok I made that up but it is better than no reason right?

Then, we go to a commercial break!
I can not award any jars of mustard for this opening segment.

The school board meeting is over so I must continue to be screwed by this show.

Team 3D enters after the break. This makes me wonder what do all those guys do during the break? Just stand around and hang out. Yes, I realize that this is taped but for the love of God, work with me. Crowd informs Team 3D that they suck.

Jim Cornette has ok'd the main event. So according to that logic, TNA has no idea of what main event will headline a show until it starts. It is a good thing that Christian made that challenge then otherwise what would they have done? If you're wondering why I'm thinking about this more than writing about this match it is because Samoa Joe is the only 1 here that interests me.

I'm also hugely disappointed that Konnan's not doing his expert commentary. Rhino hits the gore but Christopher Daniels hits the ring and lays out Rhino for a DQ. Samoa Joe comes up and chokes him out and Rhino and 3D join in a 4-on-1 beatdown of Daniels. Well, he was stupid enough to run in on a match involving 4 men so he deserves it. Tables are gotten and the 2 teams seem to have forgotten they were ever fighting.

I think Daniels should do a run in on a meeting between President Bush and Osama Bin Laden, so they can put aside their differences and beat him up.

Borash in the back with Styles and Christian. AJ wants Christian to stop volunteering him for these matches. Christian says that if he does this and they win, AJ will be the number one contender. This actually was much more entertaining than I made it sound, I especially cracked up for the fact that AJ Styles forgot briefly that he was known as the Phenomenal one and Christian had to explain it to him. It won't make TNA any money but I've got no problem with them losing millions and making me laugh in the process.

Commercial Break!!
A Jar and a half of mustard just for Christian and AJ making me laugh.

A commercial for Sacrifice airs. Ok, the Darth Vader deals at the beginning of the PPV's are cool, but seeing one in a commercial = what the hell are they trying to sell? If it is a poetry reading I'm only interested if it includes the phrase: "And then my friend, you die."

We're back with a recap of Roode and Young. Robert Roode is not a happy man, I'm not either and it is because I'm watching Robert Roode. Roode is going to fire Eric Young tonight.

Jim Cornette comes out and he's about to cut a promo. Cornette says he told Jarrett to stay home because women getting beaten up by TNA is not going to happen even if it is deserved. Write this down next time we see a mixed tag.

This segment needs to be ranted about on audio because it is like Law and Order TNA.

Roode hits Cornette in the end and this brings EY out for a fight. EY has a guitar but Roode cuts him off with a boot and a DDT. Yeah cause like in a streetfight the DDT would be the first move I tried.


It leads to Roode and Brooks tying up EY in the corner and smashing a guitar over his head. A small "We want Jarrett" chant breaks out.

Cornette gets on the mic and says that he's not going to fire Roode, he's going to make it worse. He's going to put him in charge of improving backstage morale? No, he's going to make him wrestle Jeff Jarrett.

Commercial Break!!!
The mustard rating system is Ric's deal I'm just liberally stealing it, but for as hard as Cornette tried this may be the first negative jar segment in the history of the scale. I'm not sure what that means if that means jars of mustard are taken away or replaced with something less appealing like a jar of leaches? Perhaps the jars of mustard are used on food instead of for their intended purpose? Ric will have to make a ruling.

This just in, this show is not over yet.

A commercial for the Turning Point DVD says that Angle-Joe 2 was the rematch the world demanded...I believe the world demanded it be held off for months but whatever.

Don West is talking in his adult voice about what happened to Abyss. They show it again, and that's good because you need to show it again so it means something or so I've been told.

Match 2: Jackie Moore Vs. Gail Kim

Tenay says that this was a standout match at Lockdown. The blindfold match was a standout match as well but for vastly different reasons.

Gail Kim earns 1600 semi trucks full of 1600 cases in each truck with each case filled with 1600 gallon jars of mustard with 1600 jars per case. Otherwise known as enough to last her and I through Friday night...if we start Friday after noon. Want to know how we'll use all that mustard? Call Mean Gene's 1900 number to find out, that's 1-900-909-9900. Yes, I am ashamed to admit that I remember the WCW hotline number.

The match is over in 2 minutes. Let me tell you that my involvement with Gail Kim would not be over for at least 2 years, and that's only when I'd need to take a 30 second break before getting back to Total Nonstop Action.

Winner: Gail Kim
Jackie did lose a few teeth in this one, but seriously a streetfight that lasted 2 minutes screams "why bother?" Then again, I guess this whole company screams the same thing.

Oh yeah, James Storm and Chris Harris come out to brawl but I'm too rapped up in my fantasies, so there.

Latisha is with Christy Hemme and again Latisha says nothing. Am I the only one that thinks this is funny? I'm not sure why we needed to see this but I bet we find out after...the commercial break!!!

I already award Gail the appropriate number of mustard jars as set by a complex mathematical formula to ensure that a good time is had by all. Ok, not had by all but had by her and I any way. The rest of you can phu-phu-phu your cough gently down the stream.

We are shown a Sacrifice commercial that says that every title will be on the line. The tag title match is what is plugged. Well, at least TNA didn't give away the result of tonight's main event like they have done in the past.

West and Tenay run down the Sacrifice card, and I can't be bothered to do the same.

Match 3: Christian Cage and AJ Styles Vs. Sting and Kurt Angle

Jim Cornette is doing commentary. That's worth about a jars worth of mustard, standard size...for comparison's sake, if it had been Konnan then you'd have gotten 5 jars from me easily.

I must also tell you that I'm only borrowing the mustard rating system for the night. Next week, I'm mustard free but when Ric invented this the other day I had some jokes I wanted to tell which is why I stole it for this night.

Ok, I'm tired of this. Here's what happens. Angle and Sting both make AJ Styles tap out to ankle locks and we leave wondering who gets the title shot.

Winners: Sting and Kurt Angle

No mustard awarded because I just am not in the mood for mustard you know?

My thoughts: This show screams whatever. A couple of things made me laugh but nothing made me even remotely want to see Sacrifice so it does have that going for it.
That might actually be true, anything TNA does that makes me want to see their PPV's usually leads to disappointment these days. So maybe I should thank them for not making me want to see the show. Fuck it I'm to disinterested to decide what's the case.