YOU CALL THAT MUSIC? - Britney To Challenge Current Radio Hits

Photo: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

By Art Shimko
schlocknhyperbole@verizon.net
SchlockNHyperbole.BlogSpot.com

-- So you ask, "Art, why are you writing about Britney Spears?" C'mon, Britney fucking Spears, you'd think I'm attempting to sabotage the Old Country Corner? Perish the thought... it's just that I came across an article on MTV.com that amused me. You see, Britney has two kids now and being a mom is a busy job, yet the pop-song lass wants to get back in the game, she's hungry... and not for another heaping helping of deep-fried pickles and ice cream, no, she's hungry to get back in the music world and make a statement.
You see, Brit's been listening to the radio these days and feels that it's quite the challenge to make a pop song that surpasses such mind-shattering innovative music like Nelly Furtado's 'Promiscuous', a song I've heard pumped up to 11 outside of my house this summer by every fifth automobile stuck in traffic. She finds music like that "challenging"... I'll tell you what if Brit thinks the current music on pop radio these days is challenging, then I'm fuckin' speechless. You know what's challenging? A twenty-seven minute Ravi Shankar sitar jam, that itself is a challenging piece of music to mentally digest, and that's before the magic mushrooms kick in. So Brit's on a mission, armed with producer J.R. Rotem who's worked with such worthy "artists" like 50 Cent, Rihanna, Lil' Kim, Mobb Deep and Paris Hilton, to step it up and one-up her music by surpassing what's popular on MTV and radio these days.
I tell you what, Brit better hope that she can make a better pop track than what's out there or else she'll have to rely on that leech she calls a husband, I mean, have you heard that jerk-off's music? Is he a wigger, is he white trash? Sorry pal, both Kid Rock and Eminem cornered those gimmicks a few years ago...
Whatever Brit puts out (music-wise that is) the real question is, will she even matter in 2006? In 1999 when she was a cutesy lil' young lass crooning bubblegum pop it was timed well with the latest death of rock and roll and with even more teenagers frequenting the mall or whatever kids do she was able to capitalize on that success. Well those kids are all grown up and into things like getting shitfaced at the local tavern and driving recklessly to the Family Values concert anticipating the purchase of one of those parking lot balloons and other goodies.
Fellow pop songstress Christina Aguilera reinvented herself into an on-camera slut and become a walking punchline and has since reverted back to being a normal chick with a killer set of pipes. Brit tried to be provocative for a minute but she was already headed towards the "yesterday's news" section of life and became a mother. I figured she'd just stay home, enjoy the fruits of her labor and babysit her three kids (her hubby counts as an immature geek), but no, Ms. Spears feels that it is necessary to grace the music world with her presence and show everyone her latest "innovation" in producing pop music, as if we need ANOTHER disposable dance record by a "singer" overstaying her welcome, I mean we already have Paris Hilton to fill that void... wait, a void filling another void, doesn't that cancel itself out? One can only wish... well if Brit fails in this latest venture then there's always the "shocking moment" of kissing another woman on live TV, hmmph... too bad watching a bunch of Howard Stern TV episodes watered that concept down.
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