Gus Johnson is an awesome human being, oh and Casey recaps ECW as well
I've decided I need a fansier title for my columns. Anyway, yes, I am back in the big recapping chair for tonight's ECW. We shall see if I hate this show as much as last night's IFL Battleground, and with a promised main event of Bobby Lashley Vs. Chris Masters, they're off to a flying start. Note to WWE, this week it would be ok to false advertise.
I asked Wade for this two week trade, and I'm getting screwed by these ECW shows, first Snitsky wrestles last week and now I get to watch Lashley and Chris Masters. Wade, you vas lucky punk!
Anyway, you are here this week for all the latest jokes that don't tell you what happened on this show and aren't that funny either. Oh, I thought I was Vince Russo for a second, then I realized I'm not attracted to poles.
We start with a recap of last night's Masterlock challenge. This just in, Bobby Lashley becomes the first man to break the hold unless you count Tribute to the Troops shows, which WWE does not.
We hear from Chris Masters who threatens to break Lashley in half tonight.
Let the Bodies hit the Floor, oh they will if that main event sucks as bad as I fear it will.
Your hosts are Joey Styles and Tazz. Hopefully one day it will be AJ Styles and Elmer Fudd. See what I mean about it not being funny?
They hype the main event, as if it is a good one, too bad I don't believe them.
Someone call Nick Diaz, his favorite wrestler is headed to the ring. Yes indeed it is RVD and he is headed out with Sabu to wrestle in tag team action. It shouldn't surprise you to find out they're wrestling some of the New Breed, and if it does surprise you well you're freaking stupid.
Match 1: RVD and Sabu Vs. Kevin Thorn and Marcus Cor Von
The good news is it isn't Matt Striker wrestling. The bad news is that it is Kevin Thorn and Monty Brown.
The New Breed has no respect for the ECW Originals, and this lines up with Vince McMahon's level of respect for ECW's legasy.
According to Joey RVD finds a way to plant his feet in his opponents face, and I wonder what kind of fertilizer he uses.
The ECW Originals take it to the New Breed in the early moments. Here is a line you don't hear every day: "Sabu is smart", as said by Tazz. He was referring to Sabu's going for quick pins. In this case, the quicker the better, that's not true for something like say, sex, but for Kevin Thorn wrestling matches it is true. I use sex in the example to educate some of you who will never have any, hi Ric!, on the realities of the situation. I am here to instruct, and unlike Matt Striker I am good at my job.
Joey tells us that it was a nice clothesline by the Alpha Male. Then Tazz says, "Watch this impact". Now I understand, TNA has secretly taken over this show.
This is half of the match we're going to get at WrestleMania, so I'm half as lucky as I will be in 12 days I guess.
Cor Von hits the Uh, bodyblock, you know the one we're not supposed to call by the other name, and he pins Sabu.
Winners: Thorn and Cor Von
Joey said it was one of the hardest hits in ECW history, and Nick Diaz got the wrong idea.
We get another Snitsky video because WWE has decided that it sucks that Christmas only comes once a year. Then we hit our first...Commercial Break!!!
You know what the best part of this show is? Yeah, me neither. For those that don't get the analogy, you see I'm telling bad jokes because I think this is a bad show. Yeah, that's what I'm doing, honest. I also snuck the word "anal" in there a couple of times. That is just for those of you who think that kind of thing is funny and you know who you are. See if you can locate it.
The WrestleMania commercial features the Battle of the Billionaires, AKA, the real main event.
We saw the video now we get to see the man in person.
Match 2: Snitsky Vs. Mike Tolar?
Snitsky is supposed to be this scary strange guy, and he's announced from Pittsburgh. I guess some people find Pittsburgh scary.
It is Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland and just as in football the results may be all too predictable for those of you in Cleveland.
Snitsky with a big boot and the match is over.
Winner: Snitsky
This is another example of something that is better if kept short, it is even better when it never happens at all.
Joey Styles informs us that the Hall of Fame induction is when inductions are made.
The newest inductee in to the 2007 class is the Sheik! I can't wait for his Hall of Fame Speech, I can seeit now, Suplex heem put heem in tha camel clutch break his...oh, I am told this is a different Sheik and for reasons of no longer being alive he will not be making his own speech.
On a serious note, Sheik is legit I've got a few Sheik matches on DVD and he truly was a hated man. It occurs to me that the Original Sheik would probably not be down with WWE using his real name in the induction video as he was a man who definitely lived his gimmick.
A nice video package and the hall-of-fame background music is kind of cool, so as of now this is the best part of the show.
Hey, it is time for a...commercial break!!!
By the way, I don't give a damn how cool Joe Rogan is or how much fun he makes boring fights, but he can fuck off cause I'm looking forward to the start of the Atlanta Braves baseball season.
Speaking of UFC announcers, I like Mike Goldberg, but UFC needs to hire Gus Johnson for the lead role. Expect a Casey and Euan: Gus Johnson is the Greatest man alive podcast, coming soon. You must listen to the clip because Gus does a Vince McMahon cackle that is a zillion times better than Vince McMahon ever could hope to pull off.
Mick Foley plugs his book, but he's no where near as interesting as Gus Johnson so I don't care.
Match 3: CM Punk Vs. Hardcore Holly
Hardcore Holly apparently doesn't give a crap what people think about him, and you can find out hard hitting facts like that by spending your hard-earned money on WWE magazine.
Hardcore ended CM Punk's undefeated streak in ECW and I would've not remembered that had Joey Styles not said anything. Sometimes, it is not good to remind people of things. I'll let you judge as to whether that was one of those times.
Tazz refers to CM as "Mr. Punk" and apparently, Holly will take your head off. Between this and Masters wanting to break Lashley in half, this is a pretty violent show. It is like the Mortal Kombat of wrestling shows without the pesky burden of being awesome.
I'm bored by this match, so it is time for more Gus Johnson! You people will learn to love him, or you will learn about your eventual death at my hands, but either way you are learning. BTW, screw you CBS for not using Gus anymore in this year's tournament.
Oh yeah, ECW. Um, there is still a match between Holly and Punk in the ring. The announcers are still talking about the involvement of Elijah Burke in CM Punk's life.
Hardcore Holly does unkind things to CM Punk's groine. Ric thinks that a low-blow is actually what sex is, since all the women he comes in contact with do the same thing to him. You see, because Ric is a wuss and all.
Holly's violation of Punk's man parts aside, CM is able to pick up the win.
Winner: CM Punk
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I prevented a goal from being scored in our indoor soccer game my freshman year of high school using a very valuable body part? I havent? Well, guess what, I'm not going to either.
A look at the Undertaker's Mania Streak highlights the next WrestleMania commercial.
Commercial Break!!!
More proof that Gus Johnson would be a better wrestling announcer than anyone else ever the man out screamed the Dean of Scream, Howard Dean.
A commercial for next Monday's Raw and the dubble-dubble-main event, or something. Hope all of you that bought No Way Out did so expecting that match would take place again later.
CM Punk tells Elijah Burke that he doesn't need his help.
It is time for my favorite part of the show as Extreme Exposay are out to a remix of "pour some sugar on me". Oh, when I say this is my favorite segment of the show, I mean if you don't count any segment where Gene Snitsky isn't featured. If you count non-Snitsky segments, the rank of this drops a lot.
Match 4: Tommy Dreamer Vs. Elijah Burke
Take note TNA, an hour show, at least 5 matches, I'm just saying is all.
We get the match after a ... Commercial Break!!!
Gus Johnson goes nuts I have no idea what he said, I also don't care, it is just great. I not only want Gus to broadcast every wrestling show ever, I want him to be on the call on my Wedding night.
If Ric ever gets married, or if he ever gets a woman to talk to him, or if he ever gets one to look his way without throwing up, or if he can keep his inflatables from springing an ill-timed leak, I've got Al Michaels all ready with: "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!" Nothing would be more fitting.
Oh yeah, we're back to this thrilling Dreamer-Burke contest.
Tazz says we can hear the impact echo throughout this arena, apparently several fans have the as yet unreleased best of TNA iMPACT DVD cause there is no other impact to be heard.
Elijah Burke wins this match just like his teammates earlier. Thus the Goldberg like winning streak of Tommy Dreamer is haulted at 1. So you've got to ask if it was even a real streak to begin with. You're better off asking questions like that than watching Chris Masters' matches.
Winner: Elijah Burke
Lashley is the first man ever to break the Masterlock....pssst, don't watch Tribute to the Troops, don't watch Tribute to the Troops, whatever you do, do not watch Tribute to the Troops. If you do then WWE will take away your get out of jail free card from monopoly and when you do land in jail the WWE will make sure your cell-mate is the Iron Sheik, and they will make sure Sheik knows you need a good humbling.
We get to see the video of last night's Masterlock thingy because we weren't lucky enough the first time, we need to be lucky again. Ric seeing this video got lucky twice in one night, and he has Chris Masters to thank for it.
Chris Masters makes his way to the ring for his match, and we head to a commercial break!!!
more people give their thoughts on who will get their head shaved.
Match 5: Chris Masters Vs. Bobby Lashley
Please let this be short. A phrase common in the daily life of Ric Gillespie.
I was stretching my arms, but in that time I believe Joey Styles just plugged Xplosion for TNA. A large check from Dixie Carter is on the way I'm sure.
We are told that Chris Masters is no Bobby Lashley. I hate it when I've got so many jokes to make and can't decide which one is best.
This match is not 30 seconds old and they're getting a boring chant from a few members of the crowd. I don't like the boring chant as a matter of practice, one of these days I'll explain why. There is a right time and a wrong time and 30 seconds in to a match is a wrong time.
WWE should hire a man and give him the name Bo Ring. Then whenever the fans chant "boring" during a match or segment, he can come out and stand at ringside claiming to hear the call of his beloved fans. That gimmick wouldn't make a dime but I'd laugh and that's far more important than making money.
Lashley finnishes off Masters with the usual.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
"What is Lashley going to do to McMahon next monday on Raw?" this is asked by Joey Styles. I've got the answer...probably the job!
My Thoughts: A bunch of characters I don't care about doing things that I don't care about. While on the surface it sounds like my complaints against IFL from the audio show which as of my posting this, you've not heard, but the same thing is true in ECW. However, ECW was better than IFL this week because at least I remembered what happened early without having to check, which I can't say for my experience with last night's IFL show.
This show would be better with Gus Johnson on the call but that is true of most things. After Snitsky matches and Chris Masters I kind of miss iMPACT.
I've enjoyed my time in the ECW chair for these 2 weeks, and I will probably make some returns further down the road, but for now I turn the keys to this particular car back over to Wade so he can crash it into the nearest wall.
I asked Wade for this two week trade, and I'm getting screwed by these ECW shows, first Snitsky wrestles last week and now I get to watch Lashley and Chris Masters. Wade, you vas lucky punk!
Anyway, you are here this week for all the latest jokes that don't tell you what happened on this show and aren't that funny either. Oh, I thought I was Vince Russo for a second, then I realized I'm not attracted to poles.
We start with a recap of last night's Masterlock challenge. This just in, Bobby Lashley becomes the first man to break the hold unless you count Tribute to the Troops shows, which WWE does not.
We hear from Chris Masters who threatens to break Lashley in half tonight.
Let the Bodies hit the Floor, oh they will if that main event sucks as bad as I fear it will.
Your hosts are Joey Styles and Tazz. Hopefully one day it will be AJ Styles and Elmer Fudd. See what I mean about it not being funny?
They hype the main event, as if it is a good one, too bad I don't believe them.
Someone call Nick Diaz, his favorite wrestler is headed to the ring. Yes indeed it is RVD and he is headed out with Sabu to wrestle in tag team action. It shouldn't surprise you to find out they're wrestling some of the New Breed, and if it does surprise you well you're freaking stupid.
Match 1: RVD and Sabu Vs. Kevin Thorn and Marcus Cor Von
The good news is it isn't Matt Striker wrestling. The bad news is that it is Kevin Thorn and Monty Brown.
The New Breed has no respect for the ECW Originals, and this lines up with Vince McMahon's level of respect for ECW's legasy.
According to Joey RVD finds a way to plant his feet in his opponents face, and I wonder what kind of fertilizer he uses.
The ECW Originals take it to the New Breed in the early moments. Here is a line you don't hear every day: "Sabu is smart", as said by Tazz. He was referring to Sabu's going for quick pins. In this case, the quicker the better, that's not true for something like say, sex, but for Kevin Thorn wrestling matches it is true. I use sex in the example to educate some of you who will never have any, hi Ric!, on the realities of the situation. I am here to instruct, and unlike Matt Striker I am good at my job.
Joey tells us that it was a nice clothesline by the Alpha Male. Then Tazz says, "Watch this impact". Now I understand, TNA has secretly taken over this show.
This is half of the match we're going to get at WrestleMania, so I'm half as lucky as I will be in 12 days I guess.
Cor Von hits the Uh, bodyblock, you know the one we're not supposed to call by the other name, and he pins Sabu.
Winners: Thorn and Cor Von
Joey said it was one of the hardest hits in ECW history, and Nick Diaz got the wrong idea.
We get another Snitsky video because WWE has decided that it sucks that Christmas only comes once a year. Then we hit our first...Commercial Break!!!
You know what the best part of this show is? Yeah, me neither. For those that don't get the analogy, you see I'm telling bad jokes because I think this is a bad show. Yeah, that's what I'm doing, honest. I also snuck the word "anal" in there a couple of times. That is just for those of you who think that kind of thing is funny and you know who you are. See if you can locate it.
The WrestleMania commercial features the Battle of the Billionaires, AKA, the real main event.
We saw the video now we get to see the man in person.
Match 2: Snitsky Vs. Mike Tolar?
Snitsky is supposed to be this scary strange guy, and he's announced from Pittsburgh. I guess some people find Pittsburgh scary.
It is Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland and just as in football the results may be all too predictable for those of you in Cleveland.
Snitsky with a big boot and the match is over.
Winner: Snitsky
This is another example of something that is better if kept short, it is even better when it never happens at all.
Joey Styles informs us that the Hall of Fame induction is when inductions are made.
The newest inductee in to the 2007 class is the Sheik! I can't wait for his Hall of Fame Speech, I can seeit now, Suplex heem put heem in tha camel clutch break his...oh, I am told this is a different Sheik and for reasons of no longer being alive he will not be making his own speech.
On a serious note, Sheik is legit I've got a few Sheik matches on DVD and he truly was a hated man. It occurs to me that the Original Sheik would probably not be down with WWE using his real name in the induction video as he was a man who definitely lived his gimmick.
A nice video package and the hall-of-fame background music is kind of cool, so as of now this is the best part of the show.
Hey, it is time for a...commercial break!!!
By the way, I don't give a damn how cool Joe Rogan is or how much fun he makes boring fights, but he can fuck off cause I'm looking forward to the start of the Atlanta Braves baseball season.
Speaking of UFC announcers, I like Mike Goldberg, but UFC needs to hire Gus Johnson for the lead role. Expect a Casey and Euan: Gus Johnson is the Greatest man alive podcast, coming soon. You must listen to the clip because Gus does a Vince McMahon cackle that is a zillion times better than Vince McMahon ever could hope to pull off.
Mick Foley plugs his book, but he's no where near as interesting as Gus Johnson so I don't care.
Match 3: CM Punk Vs. Hardcore Holly
Hardcore Holly apparently doesn't give a crap what people think about him, and you can find out hard hitting facts like that by spending your hard-earned money on WWE magazine.
Hardcore ended CM Punk's undefeated streak in ECW and I would've not remembered that had Joey Styles not said anything. Sometimes, it is not good to remind people of things. I'll let you judge as to whether that was one of those times.
Tazz refers to CM as "Mr. Punk" and apparently, Holly will take your head off. Between this and Masters wanting to break Lashley in half, this is a pretty violent show. It is like the Mortal Kombat of wrestling shows without the pesky burden of being awesome.
I'm bored by this match, so it is time for more Gus Johnson! You people will learn to love him, or you will learn about your eventual death at my hands, but either way you are learning. BTW, screw you CBS for not using Gus anymore in this year's tournament.
Oh yeah, ECW. Um, there is still a match between Holly and Punk in the ring. The announcers are still talking about the involvement of Elijah Burke in CM Punk's life.
Hardcore Holly does unkind things to CM Punk's groine. Ric thinks that a low-blow is actually what sex is, since all the women he comes in contact with do the same thing to him. You see, because Ric is a wuss and all.
Holly's violation of Punk's man parts aside, CM is able to pick up the win.
Winner: CM Punk
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I prevented a goal from being scored in our indoor soccer game my freshman year of high school using a very valuable body part? I havent? Well, guess what, I'm not going to either.
A look at the Undertaker's Mania Streak highlights the next WrestleMania commercial.
Commercial Break!!!
More proof that Gus Johnson would be a better wrestling announcer than anyone else ever the man out screamed the Dean of Scream, Howard Dean.
A commercial for next Monday's Raw and the dubble-dubble-main event, or something. Hope all of you that bought No Way Out did so expecting that match would take place again later.
CM Punk tells Elijah Burke that he doesn't need his help.
It is time for my favorite part of the show as Extreme Exposay are out to a remix of "pour some sugar on me". Oh, when I say this is my favorite segment of the show, I mean if you don't count any segment where Gene Snitsky isn't featured. If you count non-Snitsky segments, the rank of this drops a lot.
Match 4: Tommy Dreamer Vs. Elijah Burke
Take note TNA, an hour show, at least 5 matches, I'm just saying is all.
We get the match after a ... Commercial Break!!!
Gus Johnson goes nuts I have no idea what he said, I also don't care, it is just great. I not only want Gus to broadcast every wrestling show ever, I want him to be on the call on my Wedding night.
If Ric ever gets married, or if he ever gets a woman to talk to him, or if he ever gets one to look his way without throwing up, or if he can keep his inflatables from springing an ill-timed leak, I've got Al Michaels all ready with: "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!" Nothing would be more fitting.
Oh yeah, we're back to this thrilling Dreamer-Burke contest.
Tazz says we can hear the impact echo throughout this arena, apparently several fans have the as yet unreleased best of TNA iMPACT DVD cause there is no other impact to be heard.
Elijah Burke wins this match just like his teammates earlier. Thus the Goldberg like winning streak of Tommy Dreamer is haulted at 1. So you've got to ask if it was even a real streak to begin with. You're better off asking questions like that than watching Chris Masters' matches.
Winner: Elijah Burke
Lashley is the first man ever to break the Masterlock....pssst, don't watch Tribute to the Troops, don't watch Tribute to the Troops, whatever you do, do not watch Tribute to the Troops. If you do then WWE will take away your get out of jail free card from monopoly and when you do land in jail the WWE will make sure your cell-mate is the Iron Sheik, and they will make sure Sheik knows you need a good humbling.
We get to see the video of last night's Masterlock thingy because we weren't lucky enough the first time, we need to be lucky again. Ric seeing this video got lucky twice in one night, and he has Chris Masters to thank for it.
Chris Masters makes his way to the ring for his match, and we head to a commercial break!!!
more people give their thoughts on who will get their head shaved.
Match 5: Chris Masters Vs. Bobby Lashley
Please let this be short. A phrase common in the daily life of Ric Gillespie.
I was stretching my arms, but in that time I believe Joey Styles just plugged Xplosion for TNA. A large check from Dixie Carter is on the way I'm sure.
We are told that Chris Masters is no Bobby Lashley. I hate it when I've got so many jokes to make and can't decide which one is best.
This match is not 30 seconds old and they're getting a boring chant from a few members of the crowd. I don't like the boring chant as a matter of practice, one of these days I'll explain why. There is a right time and a wrong time and 30 seconds in to a match is a wrong time.
WWE should hire a man and give him the name Bo Ring. Then whenever the fans chant "boring" during a match or segment, he can come out and stand at ringside claiming to hear the call of his beloved fans. That gimmick wouldn't make a dime but I'd laugh and that's far more important than making money.
Lashley finnishes off Masters with the usual.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
"What is Lashley going to do to McMahon next monday on Raw?" this is asked by Joey Styles. I've got the answer...probably the job!
My Thoughts: A bunch of characters I don't care about doing things that I don't care about. While on the surface it sounds like my complaints against IFL from the audio show which as of my posting this, you've not heard, but the same thing is true in ECW. However, ECW was better than IFL this week because at least I remembered what happened early without having to check, which I can't say for my experience with last night's IFL show.
This show would be better with Gus Johnson on the call but that is true of most things. After Snitsky matches and Chris Masters I kind of miss iMPACT.
I've enjoyed my time in the ECW chair for these 2 weeks, and I will probably make some returns further down the road, but for now I turn the keys to this particular car back over to Wade so he can crash it into the nearest wall.
Labels: ECW, OCC Television Coverage, WWE
posted by Casey Trowbridge at 3/20/2007 08:53:00 PM
2 Comments:
I too can't wait for the Atlanta Braves to start. They are having a good spring training and a much better pitching staff. I feel for you having to watch ECW. Face it could been worse. You could had watch Designing Women.
Thanks for the comment. The Braves bullpen looks to be a lot better this year because of the offseason moves and realistically it couldn't get much worse than last season's effort.
I appreciate the feeling of pity you have for my having to watch ECW, nice to know someone cares. But, I'm done with my 2-week tour of duty here and now go back to my regularly scheduled crappy wrestling events on thursday.
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