OC Times Exclusive: All 20 fighters at UFC 70 fail drug tests.
Manchester UK - The Ultimate Fighting Championship recently held a card at the M.E.N. Arena in Manchester that wowed the crowd with an exciting finish to the main event of Mirko Cro Cop Vs. Gabriel Gonzaga. It also wowed all of the sports analysts when it was announced that all 20 men fighting on the card tested positive for Marijuana.
"It is not hard to see why this happened", said a person who requested only to be known as A. Shimko as he was busy preparing defense letters for UFC fighter Melvin Guillard's upcoming appearance in front of the Nevada State Athletic Commission for testing positive for Cocaine. "Just look at when the show was held, so close to 4-20 UFC was just asking for it."
When reached for comment regarding the fact that this was the first show in history where everyone failed the drug test, UFC President Dana White offered the following quote. "I don't usually test all the guys fighting on a show. But, we tested 6 of them and all the results came back positive for Marijuana. So, I decided to test 4 more and the same fucking thing happened. So I was like fuck shit fucking fuck shit fucker fuck fuck and tested the rest. Un fucking real, they all tested positive. I fuck shouldn't fuck have fuck tested fuck all fuck those fuck fucking fuck guys fuck fuck you fucking know? Fuck shit, damn hell ass fuck shit fuck fuck...Rochelle Leah fuck fuck fuck!"
A spectator who watched the show at his home offered these unusual comments. "I can't believe that Machida and Heath didn't test positive for something much stronger, I mean they looked like they were fighting on another plain with their boring fuck fest. I don't personally see why they are making a big deal of this failure I mean...excuse me, a case of mustard has arrived at my door and I must take care of it."
It is expected that all the fights will be ruled a no contest and Ric Gillespie will be called a ponk little gay.
***The above story, while probably true is likely also a parity that I made up***
"It is not hard to see why this happened", said a person who requested only to be known as A. Shimko as he was busy preparing defense letters for UFC fighter Melvin Guillard's upcoming appearance in front of the Nevada State Athletic Commission for testing positive for Cocaine. "Just look at when the show was held, so close to 4-20 UFC was just asking for it."
When reached for comment regarding the fact that this was the first show in history where everyone failed the drug test, UFC President Dana White offered the following quote. "I don't usually test all the guys fighting on a show. But, we tested 6 of them and all the results came back positive for Marijuana. So, I decided to test 4 more and the same fucking thing happened. So I was like fuck shit fucking fuck shit fucker fuck fuck and tested the rest. Un fucking real, they all tested positive. I fuck shouldn't fuck have fuck tested fuck all fuck those fuck fucking fuck guys fuck fuck you fucking know? Fuck shit, damn hell ass fuck shit fuck fuck...Rochelle Leah fuck fuck fuck!"
A spectator who watched the show at his home offered these unusual comments. "I can't believe that Machida and Heath didn't test positive for something much stronger, I mean they looked like they were fighting on another plain with their boring fuck fest. I don't personally see why they are making a big deal of this failure I mean...excuse me, a case of mustard has arrived at my door and I must take care of it."
It is expected that all the fights will be ruled a no contest and Ric Gillespie will be called a ponk little gay.
***The above story, while probably true is likely also a parity that I made up***
Labels: Drug issues, Drug Testing, Marijuana, Mixed Martial Arts, Parody, UFC, UFC 70
posted by Casey Trowbridge at 4/25/2007 11:45:00 AM
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