Casey's Old Country Corner: OC Times special interview~!

***The following, for those too stupid to get the idea, is a parody***

There’s been a lot of talk in the mainstream media and the wrestling press about the problems in the professional wrestling industry. We here at the Old Country Times however, have managed to score an exclusive interview with a major player in the pro wrestling industry who has thus far been silent. We’re going to talk drug issues, the Benoit tragety, deaths in wrestling and whatever else comes up.

Our interview subject today is one Kennedy Vincent MacMahoone the C.E.O. of Entertainment World Wrestling.

Now once again, I must stress for legal reasons that this is Kennedy Vincent MacMahoon of Entertainment World Wrestling and any similarities to Vincent Kennedy McMahon of World Wrestling Entertainment are purely coincidental.
I must also state, again for legal reasons, that MacMahoon has dyslexia and for some reason kept writing WWE in his responses and not EWW but he’s not talking about the WWE even though the commonalities of the 2 companies are remarkable.

Anyway, on with the interview.


OC Times: Mr. MacMahoon thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule for this interview.

MacMahoon: Yeah Yeah Yeah, make it quick. I was on my way over here and almost got caught in traffic but I pulled off some sweet ass driving to make it in time. Everyone I passed just kept yelling Whata maneuver.

OC Times: Well, I think first we should talk about drug issues in wrestling. We’ll get to the Benoit story in a bit but it seems that this has opened people’s eyes to the drug culture in wrestling how has this effected the EWW?

MacMahoon: We in the WWE have a strict drug policy, nobody has ever failed one of our tests.

OC Times: Would you mind explaining to our readers what your policy involves?

MacMahoon: bwahahahahahahaha, that gets me every time.

OC Times: Uh, what?

MacMahoon: Sorry, Droz just showed up and peucked in my bucket, it always brings a smile to my face. Oh, your question…

OC Times: The drug policy, what does it involve?

MacMahoon: I’m glad you asked this because I can now prove that our drug test is not a sham. Every Pludsday at 29:98 Post Menstrual Season Time, all of our independent contractors who can work only for us or we’ll break their fucking legs are tested for every drug that has ever been invented and some that won’t even be invented for another villion years. Three standard earth mallenia later we get the results back and I can tell you absolutely none of our wrestlers have failed the test.

OC Times: When did the EWW put this policy in to practice?

MacMahoon: Yesterday.

OC Times: Tell me to what do you attribute such great results?

MacMahoon: All the wrestlers pass because we give them the questions in advance, stupid.

OC Times: If for some reason, someone were to fail a drug test…

MacMahoon: They wouldn’t dare, you never cross the boss. Just ask Tom cole and Rita Chatterton what happens when you try and get in my way…but if you even think about what it might be like to contemplate taking a drug in the WWE you fail!!! No acceptions unless you’re either key to a storyline or headlining a PPV or married to my daughter Tiffany or son Blane.

OC Times: Tell me have you ever done steroids yourself?

MacMahoon: All I’ll say is this, I went from having balls the size of grapes to having balls the size of grape nuts.

OC Times: Well then, moving on to…

MacMahoon [interrupting]: Fragile X!

Oc Times: Huh?

MacMahoon: Sorry, I was getting my next stock answer ready to go. They don’t call me the genetic screwdriver for nothing…

OC Times: Well, if their isn’t a drug problem in wrestling…

MacMahoon: I never said that. Fact is that in WWE there is no problem with drugs but I happen to know that in both Announcing Nonstop Totals (TNA) and Honor our Ring (RoH) drugs everywhere.

OC Times: Your dyslexia is acting up again, you mean to say that in ANT and HOR drugs run wild?

MacMahoon: Exactly, not since the day of Hulkamania has something run so wild.

OC Times: How do you know that ANT and HOR have drug problems?

MacMahoon: Every week I package up some drugs and send them down to ROH and TNA just to frame…I mean appease them.

OC Times: Isn’t that a little bit wrong?

MacMahoon: Hey, you’re the last one that should be talking about what’s wrong. You’re drug policy is so flimsy even Shimko has no trouble passing.

OC Times: Fair enough, so moving on to our next subject which is the rate of…

MacMahoon: [interrupting] Fragile X!

OC Times: Actually, the seemingly high rate of death in pro wrestling especially among those who previously worked for EWW.

MacMahoon: It is a myth that WWE is a culture of death, and I’ll prove it. Name a wrestler that supposedly died while in the WWE.

OC Times: Well, Eddie Guerrero obviously comes to mind.

MacMahoon: Eddie Guerrero was not working for the WWE at the time of his death.

OC Times: But, he was supposed to win the world title…

MacMahoon: Where did Eddie Guerrero die?

OC Times: They found him in his hotel bathroom in Minneapolis.

MacMahoon: Exactly, he was brushing his teeth or something. That’s not working for WWE. We don’t pay guys to brush their teeth in hotel rooms, they are paid to wrestle. Thus, he was not working for WWE when he died. Neither was Chris Benoit, he was at home avoiding working for WWE when he went on his rampage. Brian Pillman, another hotel in Minnesota. If you ask me, those are the people that need to be investigated.

OC Times: Again for legal reasons MacMahoon is talking about the Entertainment Wrestling World or EWW I can’t stress that enough. Well Mr. MacMahoon, what about Owen Hart?

MacMahoon: Look, Owen was working for WWE when he died but you’ve got to understand a couple of things about that situation that made it special.

OC Times: Such as?

MacMahoon: Well, when Owen Hart died, Bret Hart was kind of pissing me off and sometimes when you get pissed…accidents happen. Oh, and the second thing, most people don’t know this but Owen Hart had Fragile X.

OC Times: I didn’t know that, when did you find this out?

MacMahoon: Five seconds ago, but yeah, he had fragile X. In fact, he had 3 cases of Fragile X and I ate a box of it for Breakfast this morning. Good stuff, unbelievable!

OC Times: Are you sure you’re not confusing fragile X for special K? You do keep calling the EWW the WWE after all.

MacMahoon: Fragile X, special K, its really the same thing. Ahahahahahahaha, Droz that’s seriously funny. Hey, you had French fries for lunch? Why didn’t you bring me any?

OC Times: So, you’re saying that there is no death problem in your company?

MacMahoon: Exactly, and it kind of pisses me off. Down in TNA, what’s here name Jane Jannett? She died and nobody’s investigating that one.

OC Times: She died of cancer, what’s to investigate?

MacMahoon: I can’t believe you really think she died of cancer, it was fragile roid rage X syndrome if you ask me.

OC Times: Well, I wasn’t asking you about ANT and please for the love of god try and control your dyslexia more, you keep typing WWE and TNA when that’s legally not what you meant.

MacMahoon: If you don’t stop bugging me about that, you’re going to join the Kick My Ass Club!

OC Times: What did you think of the tribute to Chris Benoit?

MacMahoon: I think it wasn’t long enough.

OC Times: Seriously?

MacMahoon: Yeah, I mean 3 people died 2 of them by natural causes.

OC Times: Natural causes! Benoit killed them!!

MacMahoon: No, No, No…see, Nancy was trying to hook up their new home theater system and got tangled in all the chords. Those things now days have a lot of chords and you’ve got to be careful.

OC Times: Ok, see that’s not what happened and I don’t even want to know your theory for Daniel…

MacMahoon: [interrupting] Fragile X!!!

OC Times: So your saying Roid Rage wasn’t a factor?

MacMahoon: [starts smashing furnature and screaming at the top of his lungs] How dare you ask me that question? I’m Kenicent Vinnedy MacMahoo…I mean Kenmac Vinhoon Ma…daaaaa….ahhhhh…arrrrrrrr….uuuuhuhuhuhuhuhuh…[falls to the ground flayling his arms and legs] damn it, I’m Kennedy Vincent MacMahoon! [Gets up and throws a cat at the window shattering the glass] There’s no roid rage! It’s a media myth [kicks over the trash can] I’ll roid rage your ass you worthless sunnovabitch [punches wall] of all the stupid [kicks dog] questions you could ask [throws lamp] why ask about something the media can’t even prove [throws chair threw TV] exists? I don’t wanna here it [kicks door down] this interview [knocks over flower pot on deck] is over!

OC Times: [Yelling out a broken window] Ok, well thank you for your time, I hope we can do it again soon. Next time, in your office though.

MacMahoon: [mumbling as he enters his limo] 1, 2, he got em, no he didn’t…unbelievable, oh what a maneuver…you’re fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeedddddd!

Well, I hope this interview was able to shed some light on this situation. I’m sorry it had to end so abruptly. Next time, the OC times is hoping for a panel discussion with the Ultimate Warrior, the Iron Sheik and the Great Kahli on these issues.

***The above, for those still too stupid to get the idea, was a parody***

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OC Times Exclusive: All 20 fighters at UFC 70 fail drug tests.

Manchester UK - The Ultimate Fighting Championship recently held a card at the M.E.N. Arena in Manchester that wowed the crowd with an exciting finish to the main event of Mirko Cro Cop Vs. Gabriel Gonzaga. It also wowed all of the sports analysts when it was announced that all 20 men fighting on the card tested positive for Marijuana.



"It is not hard to see why this happened", said a person who requested only to be known as A. Shimko as he was busy preparing defense letters for UFC fighter Melvin Guillard's upcoming appearance in front of the Nevada State Athletic Commission for testing positive for Cocaine. "Just look at when the show was held, so close to 4-20 UFC was just asking for it."

When reached for comment regarding the fact that this was the first show in history where everyone failed the drug test, UFC President Dana White offered the following quote. "I don't usually test all the guys fighting on a show. But, we tested 6 of them and all the results came back positive for Marijuana. So, I decided to test 4 more and the same fucking thing happened. So I was like fuck shit fucking fuck shit fucker fuck fuck and tested the rest. Un fucking real, they all tested positive. I fuck shouldn't fuck have fuck tested fuck all fuck those fuck fucking fuck guys fuck fuck you fucking know? Fuck shit, damn hell ass fuck shit fuck fuck...Rochelle Leah fuck fuck fuck!"

A spectator who watched the show at his home offered these unusual comments. "I can't believe that Machida and Heath didn't test positive for something much stronger, I mean they looked like they were fighting on another plain with their boring fuck fest. I don't personally see why they are making a big deal of this failure I mean...excuse me, a case of mustard has arrived at my door and I must take care of it."

It is expected that all the fights will be ruled a no contest and Ric Gillespie will be called a ponk little gay.

***The above story, while probably true is likely also a parity that I made up***

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Mixed Martial Arts has a new Stoner Comedy Duo~!

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OCC Special Project: A Day in the Life Part 1

It is my 1,000th post and my most ambitious one yet. I am really curious to see how well this is received and if you enjoy it as much as I do then I hope it is one of the things that really gets the OCC noticed. If you like it please do what you can to help make this the most viewed thing that has ever appeared on this blog.

So if you enjoy this, please do the following:

1. Plug it anywhere you can that is appropriate from message boards to websites what have you.
   
2. Please, leave me a comment either in the section or via email telling me what you thought good or bad.
   
3. Click an ad, show support for the work.
   
4. Let me know if this type of feature is something you'd like to see more of.

So, without further delay, I give you:

A Day in the Life Part 1 of 2. (Note: Hopefully, part 2 will be finished by the end of the weekend)


Our story begins on a gloomy Monday afternoon in the city of Nashville Tennessee. The figure in our story has requested that details about who he or she may or may not be remain unknown. Our hero does not want his or her employers to know that the story we are about to tell came from them. This is why nothing even remotely descriptive about our hero will be mentioned in this story not even something as minor as an eye color will be disclosed for fear of his or her safety.

The reason for the secrecy may be hard for you to understand. I as the author knowing where we are headed sympathize with the plight of our hero. You see our hero is coming forth to reveal the inner-workings of a famous company. This revelation is potentially an explosive one for the company involved and our hero is at a great risk both personally and professionally for this story getting out.
Yet even though the hero of our tale sees the great risk involved they feel that the story must be told. So the compromise was to not reveal any descriptive terms about the person or people who gave us this account with the hopes that the employers would be too stupid to figure it out by the description of the events themselves.
Now you may wonder, how is it that you can expect a company to be this stupid? It is at this point that I should tell you that our story today involves a day in the life at Total Nonstop Action Wrestling.

What we have is a first hand account of our subject’s first day in the employ of TNA. Included are actual transcripts of conversations held in the Nashville offices and our subjects own narration thereof.

It was an exciting day for me. I had only been in Nashville about a week and did not know anyone yet that I would consider a friend. Yet the prospect of loneliness fleeted from me that Monday because I was starting my new job at TNA Wrestling. I had been a life-long wrestling fan and while TNA was a distant #2 to the WWE I nonetheless relished the opportunity to work there. In truth, I had always been a fan of the underdog so I would doubtlessly have enjoyed a WWE job far less than the one that I had been given in TNA. At least this was what I recall thinking as I drove from my not yet completely unpacked apartment to the Nashville office.
I was so excited for the day that I could hardly eat, so I chose not to and headed in for my first day. I wasn’t yet clear on my job description with the company but figured that wouldn’t last long as I had a meeting with the head of the company herself Dixie Carter scheduled for 2:00 that afternoon. I must say now looking back that while I thought it odd that I didn’t know what I would be doing, looking back this is hardly a surprise.

I remember walking up to the door that would lead in to the building. With all the excitement of a child on Christmas, I pulled the door towards me to enter and…nothing. The door did not give. I tried again and it resisted me harder than the most vicious of girls in High School. So I decided much as I did in High School to use a different strategy. I pushed on the door thinking that even though it appeared to be a door that was to be pulled open based on the location of the door handle, that it might have been an oddly designed door. Alas, again much like with the girl in High School my new strategy was unsuccessful. The door would not open.
Then a young woman showed up. I would find that this woman’s name was Jennifer and the following conversation took place.

Jen: Hello, may I help you?
I: Yes, I uh, well this is my first day so I’m kind of embarrassed to say this but I can’t seem to get the door open.
Jen: Well, did you stick your tongue out and count to 10 while holding the door with your right hand and your tongue with the left?
I: Uh…excuse me?
Jen: Surely, you got the manual?
I: Um, right the manual…well I…
Jen: You don’t have to pretend; I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that they didn’t give you one.
I: So tell me about this manual.
Jen: It tells you how everything works around here. This being TNA we have a lot of procedures that must be followed to ensure security and that our big developments don’t make it on to the Internet.
I: Yes, I was impressed by how well the company kept the Kurt Angle Sign…
Jen: La la la la la I can’t hear you!
I: What are you doing?
Jen: We’re not supposed to talk about the, you know what outside the building.
I: Bt, he’s on iMPACT, every week now, I’d think the secret is out.
Jen: Secret, what secret, I that is, you are talking crazy. Now quickly, lets go inside.

So Jen stuck her tongue out, stuck her right hand on the door held her tongue in her left and counted to 10 at which point the door swung open quicker than the legs of the easiest of the cheerleading squad. I headed toward the elevator as Jen headed down the hall. I called to her:

I: Is there any trick to the elevator?
Jen: Um, maybe you should just take the stairs it’s easier.
I: So there’s no trick to the staircase.
Jen: No, it’s just that it’s an easier 1 to remember than the elevator. When you walk up the stairs, you must skip every third stair while listing off all of the state capitals in alphabetical order. Then you must fill out a request form when you reach your floor so that you can stop on the stairs. May I offer you 2 words of advice?
I: Of course.
Jen: Well, just remembered that the capital of South Dakota is pronounced Pierre not Peer.
I: Ok, simple enough.
Jen: Yeah, well I can’t tell you how many tragic events could’ve been avoided if only people had remembered that.
I: Looking confused, Um and the other bit of advice?
Jen: Its nothing really but I hope you know your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommates Grandmother’s middle name on his dad’s mom’s side. It’s on the form.
I: Uh, isn’t that just a little…uh, stupid?
Jen [shifting her long blond hair off to one side exposing her well-tanned face], yeah its definitely your first day.

So I headed up the stair case as Jen started to turn cartwheels down the hall, I decided that for now I’d just let that one go. I managed to navigate the staircase with no problems; you’d be amazed at what I could remember. Actually, in truth I just wrote a name down on the form figuring that nobody in this company would check to see if it was right or not, and on that matter I was correct.

I headed down a long hallway, which was full of executive offices. I was looking for Terry Taylor who was head of talent relations and the person I needed to see first. I found the office with his name on the door and knocked. The door swung open and I was face-to-face with a young woman whom I knew to be Gail Kim.

I: [surprised] Hi, I’m looking for Terry Taylor, and this is his office what are you doing here?
Gail: Listen here, I don’t like people coming in to my office and telling me that its someone else’s’ you got that?
I: But the name on the door says Terry Taylor.
Gail: Yes, it does which means that this is my office.
I: But, why…
Gail: Look if you want to find Terry Taylor you need to go to the office marked Woman’s bathroom.
I: But, why…
Gail: [sighing] Look for security reasons nobody’s office has his or her own name on the door. It helps keep things straight around here. I mean think of the ease of access people would have if they went to Terry Taylor’s office and actually found Terry Taylor? It could be a logistical nightmare.
I: So, his office is the 1 marked Woman’s bathroom?
Gail: It’s all in the manual.
I: Well, um I haven’t gotten the manual yet; it’s my first day.
Gail: [with a shocked expression on her face] I’m amaze that you made it this far ok.
I: So tell me what happens if I screw up one of these security procedures?
Gail: Don’t ask, its better for all if you don’t know.
I: Ok then, well out of curiosity, Terry Taylor is in the office marked Woman’s bathroom, so where is the real ladies room?
Gail: [slapping me hard across the face] I’m not telling you that! Get out of here pervert.
I: I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…
Gail: Get out, and remember the sequence of knocks to get Terry to open his door.
I: Sequence of knocks?
Gail: [sigh} you have to knock to the tune of Stairway to Heaven or he won’t open his door.
I: Why don’t you have a secret knock?
Gail: I do, you must’ve just guessed it by chance.

I proceeded down the hall, saw Scott D’Amoore come out of an office marked Janitor’s closet and finally found Terry Taylor’s office clearly marked “Woman’s bathroom”.

I knocked on the door to the tune of stairway to Heaven and it wasn’t long before I was standing face to face with my new boss.

Terry: I’m glad to see that you made it.
I: It was hard; people kept saying that I needed a manual.
Terry: You didn’t get the manual?
I: No, what’s so important about the manual?
Terry: It tells you the proper procedure for everything we do here at the TNA offices.
I: Well, I didn’t get the manual.
Terry: Well, it’s a good thing I just happen to have an extra copy.

He walked across the room and rolled a large cart filled with books towards me.

I: So which one of those is the manual?
Terry: All of them of course?
I: All of them! There has to be 50 books on that thing.
Terry: Well actually, its 55 but nice guess.
I: And how am I supposed to memorize all of this?
Terry: Well, we don’t expect you to memorize it all…in your first hour of employ but by hour 2 you’ll have it all down, at least for your sake, I hope you do.
I: What is that supposed to mean?
Terry: Nothing, just don’t worry about it.

I was perplexed by the thought that nobody wanted to tell me what the penalty was for not following the manual. Alas, I had no time to ponder that question, as Terry was getting ready to give me the tour of headquarters.
We went throughout the building and I decided that to avoid confusing I would just mimic everything that Terry did until I had a chance to memorize the manual.
I realize that it would be entirely too time consuming to continue to give you such a vivid description as I have so far relating to all of the procedures for conducting business in the TNA offices. I will save you the trouble of reading the elaborated sequence of maneuvers and impressions of famous people required to simply use the restroom as some things are just better left up to the imagination.
However, there are 3 things that I feel need to be expounded upon further. The first of these was my introduction into the TNA writing room where I was told iMPACT episodes are written.

Terry and I entered the room hopping on 1 foot while speaking German in a soft voice and saw something that caught me by surprise. It was unlike any writing room I had ever seen. On 1 wall there was a giant board with things written on it while there was only 1 small desk in the entire room where 1 person sat with a small book. In another corner stood a figure holding an object that I would request more information about. As I realize you are no doubt confused by what I just said and more curious for an explanation I shall not delay in delivering it.

Terry Taylor walked me over to a man who had his back to the wall. He appeared to be holding on to some darts in his right hand. Then without looking he flung a dart back over his shoulder and it stuck in the wall. Terry introduced me to this man who I was not surprised to learn was Jeremy Borash.
He shook my hand firmly and welcomed me to the company. Then he tossed a dart over his other shoulder and it stuck in the wall. I asked him what he was doing and he explained that the wall had a list of stipulations on it and that he was using the darts to determine the stipulations for an upcoming Pay Per View Match between Shark Boy and Abyss.
“I see,” was my immediate reaction. “What do you have so far?” Borash turned towards the wall and called to the person sitting at the small desk. “Ok, here is the stipulation for the Shark Boy Vs. Abyss match at Turning Point. It will be a barbed wire Ultimate X 2 out of 3 falls match and will take place as the finals of a 23 man world-cup of soccer style tournament.”
I immediately scrambled for a pen and paper to write this down as the man who had been sitting at the desk had done. I had begun to consider how a 2 out of 3 falls Ultimate X match might look when I observed that the man had gone back to his desk. I curiously asked Terry Taylor about that man.
“Oh, that’s Vince Russo.” Came the response. “Come here and I will introduce you.” I followed Terry over and shook hands with Russo. It was at that point that I got a look at the book he was writing in.
“Are you taking a break from writing this week’s show?” I asked him immediately. “Actually, I’m working on Samoa Joe’s promo that he will cut on Kurt Angle,” Russo said. “But, you are writing in a book of madlibs,” I asked trying to make sense of it all. “Of course, I’m writing it in this book. I mean they all ready have most of it written for me, I’ve just got to come up with a few nouns a couple of adverbs and adjectives and it just fills in the rest. It saves much more time than simply writing everything out word by word.” After giving me that explanation I was no less confused but Russo was back to work.
Finally, we headed towards the man with the strange object. Terry introduced the man as Dutch Mantel. Noticing that my eyes drifted towards the object Dutch proclaimed: “I see you noticed the 102 sided dice.” I nodded and asked: “Yes, but why 102 sides, why does it still only have numbers 1-6 on it and what is it for?” Dutch looked at Taylor and whispered: “its his first day, right?” which brought a nod from my companion.
The reason it has the numbers 1-6 on it is was told was because those numbers would determine how many wrestlers would be in the upcoming x-division rankings match on Impact. The reason it had 102 sides instead of 6 was supposed to be in book 26 of the procedure manual, page 986 paragraph 3 line 8 word 5 letter 2. I decided to take their word for it as I was ready for a drink and my meting with Dixie was a scant hour away.
I cartwheeled out of the room and walked on my hands towards a coke machine that I had passed by on my way in to the writer’s room. I eagerly looked forward to drinking the nice can of Coke I expected to get from the machine, as I was famished. I inserted my $0.50 and pushed the button. Nothing happened. Then it occurred to me that I should remember where I was and I went to book 17 of the manual. Sure enough, I found the proper procedure for purchasing a coke from the pop machine.
So I re-inserted the 2 quarters tales side down into the machine, stood on my left foot, closed my right eye while licking my index finger on my right hand and pushed the button. Success, I thought only to pull the can out of the machine and find a Diet Mountain Dew to my dismay.
I cursed out loud which caught the attention of a passer-by. The man approached and I knew him as Shane Douglas. He came up to me and asked what the trouble was. I told him that I followed the correct procedure for purchasing a coke and I got a Diet Mountain Dew instead.
“Well, I know what the problem is,” he explained. “You used the right procedure but on the wrong day.” “I don’t understand,” was my immediate response. “You used the right procedure for buying a Coke on Thursday,” Douglas said and today is Monday. “Plus, you are in front of the wrong machine, you need to go to the Pepsi machine.” I was bewildered at this point: “The coke is in the Pepsi machine?” I asked out of frustration. “Of course, where else would it be?” came the reply. If we put the Coke in the Coke machine that might give people the wrong idea was the closest thing I got to an explanation for this occurrence.
After all that and 3-more attempts I finally hit upon the right combination to purchase my soda on that particular day. I managed to finish it off right before entering the room to meet with Dixie Carter.

To Be Continued!!!

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Its coming...

In order to find out what it is, and when it will get here you'll have to click the link below but you won't want to miss it.


I am going to try to make it my 1,000th post to the OCC. You will see this post and this is post #997 so I have potentially 2 more posts before it is revealed.

So what is it that I am talking about?

This may be my best work yet. This will be something that when you see it I want it promoted as hard as you've promoted anything I've ever written if you think it is worthy.

It could be a preview of future projects, or it could be something that sets the bar so high that I am never able to surpass it. It could be a new beginning or the high point of everything I ever write. Either way, you will remember it.

It is...

A day in the life.

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