OCC Live Blogging: TNA iMPACT 10/05/2006

"Domo Hadogei Desu" Fuuuuuu, its time for a feature that is quickly becoming more popular than iMPACT itself, the OCC Live Blog of the taped TNA show.

Chalked full of references to Razor Ramon Hard Gay because HG brings ratings unlike this show.

This is new, the professional wrestling face of TNA.

• We kick off the show with a recap of last weeks show helpful for all who missed it like everyone in the world but me.
  
  
• Borash starts the show by hyping the footage from Mexico City and then Cornette appears. He tells Shark Boy and Eric Young that 1 of them must be fired because the roster is too big. Oh if only this weren't a skit and TNA actually did this. Not saying it'd be these guys necessarily but there are certain Gangs I'd get rid of first, know what I mean James?
  
  Then Mitchell and Abyss show up because there weren't enough people in this segment already and tells Cornette he can get the title back. Jesus, Jarrett was right Cornette is a puppet figure, I mean he can threaten to fire Young and Shark Boy but not Samoa Joe?
  
  iMPACT opening!
  
  Tenay hypes stuff, I don't care to recall exactly what.
  
  Shane Douglas and the Naturals are at the booth, Tenay says they are pleased to have them there, I am not however.
  
  
  1. Team 3D Vs. Bentley and Kazarian
  
  
• 3D is working their way up the tag ranks to earn a title shot. Apparently, Bentley and Kazarian are lower in the rankings than the Diamonds in the Rough. Sucks to be them.
  
  
• Douglas is talking about fellow Pittsburgher Kurt Angle. Crowd is encouraging D-von to go. I'm hoping he's potty trained.
  
  
• Douglas talks about the roof blowing off the building again. TNA seems to have that problem a lot.
  
  
• Tenay uses the phrase out with the old and in with the new. Yeah, when ever I hear that phrase I immediately think of Vince Russo. Well, its almost immediate, I do have enough time to think of everything else in the world first. Americas Most Wanted and Gail Kim, (Hey woman shouldn't you be here making me dinner?) and the James Gang come out because again there's only a thousand people in the segment as is.
  
  Commercial Break.
  Shamrock and Ortiz on free TV out of the kindness of Dana White's heart. Yeah, that's why we're seeing this. I'm sure he wouldn't want to do it on PPV if he could get away with it, he loves throwing matches like this on free TV that's why you see Chuck Liddell defending his title on Spike right?
  
  In hot news, I just got an instant message. The message read: "Meh" and no the person sending me that message was not watching iMPACT.
  
  
• Douglas is talking about the Naturals winning. West says that we have to have a rubber match (and I don't think its a battle of condoms) between LAX and Styles/Daniels because "they're 1 apiece in title matches) this proves that the first win for Styles/Daniels at Hard Justice never happened. Memo to TNA, I never forget accept when its test time so you can't fool me on statements like that. Although observant readers may wish to point out the fact that I had Sacrifice where it now says Hard Justice which proves that I can mess up PPV names, and I actually did this twice. However, fear not as I personally assure you that all of my mistakes are done on purpose purely for comic affect so you may feel free to continue to regard me as perfect.
  
  
• West calls the 3D as though it had never been hit by the Dudley's before. Yeah, Team 3D won.
  
  
• Yup, Brother Bubba Brother just said their opponents were at the bottom. Nice way to devalue your own victory. He calls out all the teams standing out at the ring, good thing they were already there huh?
  He challenges everyone and anyone. Ok, I submit that your opponents are Bruiser the Dick and Razor Ramon Hard Gay.
  
  
• A video on Rhino airs. He's complaining about his neck. Crybaby, I broke my neck 3 times just during that last sentence and you don't hear me bitching. Of course, you don't hear it cause I'm typing it not speaking it but that's life. Well, you might hear it if you're using a screen reader.
  
  
• James Mitchell comes out with Abyss. He talks to Samoa Joe talking about Jim Cornette and the NWA title. I love Mitchell's promos they're so awesome it is almost ashame that I make jokes about them.
  
  Some guy comes out to Samoa Joe's music, lets just hope its Joe. Hey, it is what luck?
  
  They start exchanging blows and not in the way that will get you arrested for doing it in public. Jeff Jarrett comes out and steels his stolen belt but now Abyss has it. Now Joe and Abyss are teaming up because TNA knows I'm trying to recap this and they want me to type until I get tired and quit. Memo number 2 to TNA (and any female readers), I have great endurance.
  
  After all that, the belt leaves with Joe. This means the segment accomplished nothing because Joe had it at the start and has it at the end.
  
  
• The announcers seem impressed that Abyss was just slammed by Joe. You'd think that had never happened before, and if it hadn't it would've been stupid for them to give it away for free on TV. So, after saying that I'm sure it was the first time.
  
  
• The announcers wonder what Sting thinks about the belt situation? Well, why not just ask Luger and Buff since they know everything?
  
  
• The talking heads preview the rest of the show, they may as well just say "please don't switch channels" between every line.
  
  Commercial Break!!!
  John Cena is the Marine, Oct. 13. Who is he the rest of the year? A commercial for the DVD release of Click. I want to see this.
  
  Shamiz-Ortirock, biggest UFC Grudge match ever, well until the next one. UFC can't claim to be unlike pro wrestling with commercials like that, just saying.
  
  
• They're back in the iMPACTzone good I would be pissed if I found out they went outside during the commercial breaks.
  
  
• Then to prove my point about UFC's hype for the Ortiz-Shamrock fight, TNA calls Bound for Glory their biggest PPV ever. Well of the 2, UFC's is closer to being true.
  
  
• They cut to a video of AJ Styles saying things before Konnan and a few friends show up. AJ is jumped by like 500 luchadors which is apparently what happens when you go to Mexico. You get jumped by 500 luchadors?
  
  
  2. LAX Vs. Some jobbers.
  
  
• The Spanish intro and music gets thumbs up from me.
  
  
• Hernandez just tosses 1 of the Super Funtastic Jobber team like he's nothing. A quick night for the Latino World Order...er...LAX.
  
  
• Konnan says LAX is coming back, I didn't know they were gone? Konnan says Ultimate X favored the challengers and that's why they lost. Yeah, and the Border brawl favored you guys what the fuck is your point? He wants to make something abundantly clear. So its not just clear but clear in abundance. He wants to make it abundantly clear that they (I think he means Styles and Daniels though with Konnan one can never be too sure) don't know what 5150 is, that makes a couple of us.
  
  
• Who is leaving TNA? Keep watching to find out. Or call 1-900-909-9900 and you might learn that way its a toss-up really.
  
  Commercial Break!!!
  A Guinness commercial that was more entertaining than the opening segment airs. Saw 3 says I haven't seen anything yet, and after this film comes out I still will not have seen anything yet.
  
  
• Due to popular and by popular I mean no demand, Luger and Buff say things.
  One of them says that if Jarrett beats Sting it will be huge for Jarrett...Yeah, Hard Justice never happened and neither did Halloween Havoc 2000. (Note: I am not complaining about either event being expunged from memory, just saying is all)
  
  
  3. Loser gets fired (shaw reiiiight!) Eric Young Vs. Shark Boy
  
  
• How convenient it is that the guy that is always worried about losing his job should be put in to a match where exactly that situation plays out?
  
  
• Larry Z out with his wig.
  
  
• Tenay says we have to tune in to iMPACT next week to hear what Angle has to say. Yeah, and what happens if I don't? Jeff Jarrett coming to my house to kick my ass?
  
  Shark Boy wins and Eric Young is fired and Tenay is confused because he asked "What the hell just happened?" perhaps he needs to read my report?
  
  More wrestlers were out there for no reason other than to be on camera and celebrate the continued employment of Shark Boy.
• The one person missing from this segment was Masaki Sumitani! I would've loved it if he had been out there celebrating as only he can.
• Crowd chants bring back Eric. If this crowd collectively were a person, it'd be a whore. Again, just making an observation.
  
  Commercial Break!!! Its 10:39 as I write this and I feel I've been writing for days.
  There's a commercial for some drug that has more side affects than it alleviates. Although some of those listed I experience just by watching this show.
  
  Biggest Grudge match ever and Biggest PPV ever mentioned in back-to-back commercials.
  
  Kurt Angle is arguably the biggest star in wrestling today. I guess while John Cena is the Marine Kurt Angle is John Cena.
  
  
• A video plays hyping Sting and it references the bible.
  
  
• Christian and Jarrett backstage with Borash.
  Jarrett won't even let Christian talk, he's holding people back!
  Its a good thing these 2 good friends finally get to team up.
  Christian: "The biggest star talks last and I am talking last." Nice try. Although I do have to give TNA credit in this promo Jarrett and Christian aren't buddy buddy just because they're both heels. I always hate in wrestling when a guy turns and is immediately friendly with all of the people in the group he is now a member of, like all the fussin and a feudin is forgiven.
  
  
  4. Christopher Daniels and Ron Killings (who's asking "What's up?") Vs. Christian Cage and Jeff Jarrett.
  
  
• Christian enters first for his team so apparently the biggest star speaks last but enters first. That makes as much sense as anything ever booked by Vince Russo. Why you'd almost think he were back or something. But, that'd just be stupid of TNA to bring him back. So its a good thing it didn't happen.
  
  
• I just want to say "sei sei sei sei sei sei" cause its been too long since Razor Ramon HG was brought up and lord knows this show could use him. Of course in fairness to TNA, all the WWE shows could use him to. Of course in fairness to WWE, everyone could use him.
  
  
• Tenay talks about some Kurt Angle. West says TNA is the place that everyone wants to be. Well, everyone with a drug problem or everyone that gets fired from the WWE anyway. Accept Kid Kash I'd venture to say he probably doesn't want back in, so I bet TNA is interested.
  
  
• Bound for Glory = biggest PPV ever.
  
• Sting's new DVD = hottest DVD ever.
  
• So what happens when Bound for Glory comes out on DVD?
  
  
• Hey, there's a match going on but if the WCW announcers want to talk about Sting the entire time I don't see why I need to pay attention. But, if you want some play-by-play, Christian just hit Ron Killings with A Ganso Bomb through 1,000 flaming tables made out of thumbtacks. You have to trust me, this happened, but Killings kicked out before the count of 1 and everybody just moved on as though the spot never happened.
  
  Commercial Break!!!
  X-men 3 on DVD commercial, AOL commercial. Neither of these things are things that I need. Although, I don't need to watch this show so I can see why they'd think I'm the target audience for their product.
  
  NBA 2K7, I miss the NFL 2K series. EA sports can screw off.
  
  9 seasons of Stargate SG1? This proves iMPACT will be on for ever I think.
  
  We're back!!!
  
  
• Christian and Jarrett have the momentum and if you don't believe me, believe Tenay cause he said it. I'll leave it up to the reader to decide which of us has more credibility.
  
  
• Jarrett blind tags himself in right in front of the blind referee. I hate the blind tag, slapping your partner's back is a legal tag, that is so stupid. I blame Vince McMahon for this. Not that it is his fault, it just seems fashionable to blame him.
  
  
• The fans try to help Killings by clapping in sequence. I think he'd probably benefit from some of them hopping the rail to beat some ass, but clapping in a pattern is a close second.
  
  
• I was doing something else, but while I was Jarrett stole Christian's pin.
  
  
• Christian has the microphone but Jarrett steals it and calls out Samoa Joe. Jesus fuck, Jarrett is trying to get that win back from Christian all in 1 night.
  
  
• Rhino hits the ring because again not enough is happening, and Don West prompts us to all vote for "Gore, Gore, Gore!"
  
  
• Samoa Joe gets the belt back but don't ask me how.
  
  
• Tenay orders us to watch iMPACT next week to hear from Kurt Angle.
  
  
• Bobby Roode has picked a manager. Unless its Bobby Cox I don't care and if it is Bobby Cox well, no wonder the Braves finally lost the NL East.

The show is over: What a terrible show this was. You had a hundred guys in each segment some of whom performed the valuable task of standing around and not doing or saying anything. Now that's what I call storyline advancement.
You had Eric Young lose a stipulation match that nobody believes will be enforced, and while I enjoyed LAX again they were on screen for a total of a minute and a half or so which does not a good show make.
If you watch the replay, its not my fault you have nothing better to do with your Saturday night. Don't say I didn't warn you because I most certainly did.

The only thing left to say is Fuuuuuuu~!