03/22/2007 TNA iMPACT Bonus Recap

Yes, that's right this week you are getting 2 recaps of iMPACT for the price of 0. I'm recapping this show because of the fact that I'm bored and looking for something to do, I'm hoping this will help me fall back asleep and I'm also trying to make up for no IFL recap on Monday.

First of all, for laughing at my misfortune related to the quality of ECW, Wade will be the object of my scorn and wrath this week. You asked for it, punk.
I leave him in charge of the iMPACT recaps for 2 weeks and it is like he is a high school student who waited for his parents to go on vacation and then wrecked the house. Fortunately, I have returned to set things back where they need to be with the help of the Jim Duggan janitorial crew. Wade, I'll teach you to go all Nelson Munce on me.

TNA...We are, sure that my lines here are always better than Wade's. You're in for a long night, son.



We start the show with a recap of the announcement by Jim Cornette of the 10-man Lethal Lockdown main event for the next Pay Per View. We see Christian Cage selecting AJ Styles and then Abyss for his own team. Sting says that Abyss can think for himself, has seen the light and is his own man. Yet he apparently is still not capable of speaking for himself, I don't want to say his transformation sucks but I'm going to say it anyway. His transformation sucks and now I feel better having said it.

Tonight, we find out what side Abyss is really on when he and Sting take on AJ Styles and Christian Cage. The match is billed as a hell freezes over tag match.

Jeremy Borash is backstage with Team Angle which as of now consists of Kurt Angle, Rhino and Samoa Joe. Angle says that they have 3 huge egos on the team, I would've guessed at least 8 all of them belonging to Angle. Every week they take Pride in being the very best. I'm supposed to imagine these three egos unifying, uniting and becoming one. I'm not sure I can do that since those are 3 wildly different concepts, the human mind may not be able to work within the confines of all of them. It couldn't have really been Kurt Angle cutting this promo since MMA was not mentioned at all and he plugged the PPV.

We have the usual iMPACT opening. Tonight, Jerry Lynn takes on James Storm. Mike Tenay plugs the Styles and Christian Vs. Sting and Abyss match and Don West talks about our first match.

Match 1: Serotonin Vs. Team Angle

Serotonin consists of Havoc, Martyr and Kaz. Apparently, they are all about pain and torchure. Speaking of pain and torchure, I'd just like to thank the Ohio State University for nearly killing me last night. They were down 17 points to Tennessee at the half and came back to win the game by a single point. Expect there to be some college hoops talk on the next audio assault as Euan for lack of a better term has lost his March Madness verginity.
Speaking of March Madness, Wade is currently in last place in our bracket. I may not have mentioned this at all had he not had the nerve to laugh at me for having to watch the likes of Snitsky and Chris Masters but since he did I shall show no mercy tonight.

Just for your information if you don't regularly watch iMPACT and get your information from recaps like mine:
Havoc = Johnny Devine
Kaz = Frankie Kazarian
Martyr = Matt Bentley

Tenay can't believe what Cornette announced on last week's iMPACT, so I guess he's calling Jim a lier. Why would Cornette lie about the main event?

The team Angle members get separate introductions. Samoa Joe's music is still so cool.

Tenay asks who better to captain a 5 man team at Lockdown than Kurt Angle? I think the obvious answer is Kanyon.

Tonight, we are going to get a read on where Abyss' loyalties lie. I'll bet we don't. The crowd is definitely hot for this one.

Angle is throwing Kaz around like he's well... Kaz.

West tells us Serotonin is finding out what they are all about. It seems to me that they are about getting squashed.

Gore on Havoc, Olympic Slam for Kaz and Musclebuster for Martyr and that's all she wrote.

Winners: Samoa Joe, Rhino and Kurt Angle
It was a short squash match to show the dominance of the face team, I am in favor of things like this.

The match was more 1-sided than Kansas-107, Niagara-67 in the NCAA Tournament. You all might want to ask Wade how that turned out for him

I think it was interesting that the replay was sponsored by an actual movie, and the fact that I think this is interesting may explain why I haven't had a date in longer than I'm going to confess. But not nearly as long as Wade's cold streak. Yes, Wade laughed at me once and that's it and I've buried him repeatedly and it is true that I'm probably doing it to excess. However...tough!

JB is backstage with Christian Cage and AJ Styles. AJ does a pretty funny flip out in relation to the unity just shown by the face team. Don't worry AJ, I'm sure that when you Christian and Scott Steiner face Lance Hoyt and VKM next week that you'll look just as unified. Note, I used Hoyt and VKM as an example I have no knowledge of such a bad match being forced upon the earth. However, if it does take place, I hope you all enjoy reading Wade's recap. AJ is so worried and desperate he wonders where Tomko is at.
Christian takes back his title shot promise to AJ for his flipping out. An argument as to whether or not he can do this breaks out. He tells AJ to look at the big picture and that tonight the sides will be made clear. AJ wants a little more explanation and chases Christian down as we head to a...

Commercial Break!!!
This segment featured 2 interviews, and a match but the focus of the whole thing was on the pay per view main event. It was the only story pushed throughout the entire segment and the segment didn't feature any other side angles to be forgotten later. In short it is everything I think I could want in a segment.

During the commercial break which was edited out of my borrent, thank you very much, we get more with Raven and Serotonin. Raven is talking while there is moaning in the background and well so much for me ever sleeping again.

Tonight, hell has frozen over. I take that to mean that TNA has turned a profit or Wade has written a funny joke. If you think I'm being too cruel to the man, let me remind you that he laughed at my misfortune having to watch Chris Masters. He's lucky all I'm doing is mocking him.

JB is backstage with Sting and Abyss. Sting talks about Abyss' rebirth and says that Abyss has just one more obsticle to overcome. Sting has apparently never sent Abyss in the wrong direction and isn't going to now. Well I'm not so sure about that. Sting says it will be worth it even if Sting must feel more pain. I see Sting is campaigning to join Serotonin. In the middle of this Sting says in atone of "Hey, no big deal" that "You almost took my eye out Bro". Sting says there is no turning back, the future is his if he reaches out and takes it. Sting says the future is bleak for Cage and Styles. He says tonight is their last rights. Oh no, they'd better not bring that back. We of course don't find out what obsticle is left for Abyss to overcome.

Out to the ring and we have an unscheduled appearance by Team 3D. It is a good thing those production guys are on the ball and can play Team 3D's music when their appearances are not scheduled and they just suddenly show up with no warning.

Brother Ray has the mic and is addressing Homicide and Hernandez. He says that they'd like for LAX to come to the ring. The gunshots fire, and they sound sweet on my computer speakers as the Latin American Xchange make their way down to the ring.

Ray says it has been a long 3 months between the 2 teams. I bet Euan would agree with that statement. Ray says that LAX has gotten the better of them most of the time which is true, much to the dismay of my PPV predictions. He says that they did whatever it took to keep the tag belts even if that meant pissing 3D off like nobody has done before. Ray says they understand LAX because they are just like LAX. They've broken women's necks, put people through flaming tables, and tossed an 80 year old woman off a balcony. I should note that got a huge pop from the crowd and I should also note that none of this took place inside of TNA. Oh, and Wade I'm sending these guys to pay you a visit. I'll teach you to laugh at my misfortune.

Talk turns to Team 3d's legasy. A legasy is apparently earned, well unless you are me because I am entitled to one. They bring out the WWE, WCW and ECW tag team championship belts. The ECW titles get the biggest pop and a small but loud ECDub chant breaks out. You don't hear many of those these days especially on the actual ECW TV show.

Konnan apparently has some rhymes for the house as the LAX music hits and he comes out to join his team. I get to hear the music twice so that's cool. Konnan got out of his wheelchair (he wouldn't tip the wheelchair man $2! Sorry, I couldn't resist) and Tenay says that Jim Cornette has to be loving this. I am not exactly sure why Cornette has to love this but I'll take Mike's word for it.

Konnan earns brownie points from me for the next year by referring to Team 3D as Butterbean and Krispy Cream. They don't shake the hands of Gringos, yeah you tell em! They are not impressed by the tag titles, "What are we supposed to do? Strap these on and pretend we're champions of another organization?" He says that they are already TNA Tag Team Champions, the first time that anyone on this show has called it anything other than an NWA title so we're getting close to the change. I swear to God, Jesus and Mr. McMahon that Konnan mentioning them already being TNA champions did not get a pop at all and in fact I heard some booing. TNA might want to take note of this but I bet they don't.

Konnan continues by noting that they already beat 3D in a Little Italy Streetfight, A Ghetto Brawl and now it is going to be their type of match. He talks about the electrified fense at the border and asks for an electrified cage match at Lockdown. They can't claim a legasy until they beat LAX. He then says a couple of things that get bleeped and it appears that we have a match.

Commercial Break!!!
We had 3 different things vying for attention in this segment. The continued development of Serotonin, the Sting and Abyss dynamic and then the set-up for the tag title match at the PPV. I should also note this segment contained nothing but talking. A step in the wrong direction as compared to the first segment but some of the promo work especially from Konnan and even Ray was better than usual saved it from being a disaster.

We're back with Mr. Backlund in Jim Cornette's office demanding a match at Lockdown. Cornette is not down with this idea pointing out that Backlund is retired. Backlund says: "Here is my urine sample for the blood test, I've never eaten Marijuana in my life and I don't even know how to snort whatever they snort." Ok, now that was funny especially because now I've got an image of Nick Diaz eating marijuana and then trying to submit blood for his urine test before Pride 33.
Cornette again points out that Backlund has been retired for years and he doesn't want to put him in a cage. Backlund is proud of his conditioning and then says something about going to the moon.
Cornette calls him off the moon, tells him he can't wrestle at Lockdown, Lockup, whatever it is (that's a bit curious and a direct quote) but he does have a deal for him. He can ref the match between Senshi and Austin Starr at the show, but if he interferes in Starr's match tonight the deal is off. The interview ends with Cornette looking at the sample and proclaiming: "That has chunks in it." Ok, the less I need to know about the point of that line, the happier I will be.

We go back out to the ring where apparently wrestling matches are rumored to take place.

Match 2: Eric Young Vs. Austin Starr

Young represents Robert Roode Inc. and Young tries to cover his ears to avoid the pyro but unfortunately, it is not successful.

Austin Starr is still announced as being from TV Land, and I wonder if that is somewhere near WCW Special Forces. Roode is in the tunnel with Austin Starr much to the confusion of Tenay and Don West. I advise them to do what I do in cases like this and just not care, it makes watching this easier.

Eric Young is still over. They exchange punches and that draws the "Boo, yay" chant.

This match is so important that the announcers plug the main event later and the Lockdown main event. It is like I'm watching a cruiserweight match in the NWO era of Nitro.

Now Robert Roode and Ms. Brooks come out to the ring. Don West wishes he were a fly on the wall. Then how could he wear his wacky shirts? Backdrop by EY on Starr and he is in control. EY hits the top-rope elbow and Ms. Brooks distracts the ref and Robert Roode comes in which distracts Young allowing Austin Starr to capitalize. A brainbuster later and Young has been pinned.

Interesting to note, and again see the last time I mentioned this, but Don West said that there was no way Eric was kicking out of that and he was actually right.

Winner: Austin Starr

I guess Roode is costing Young matches out of jealousy. Roode is brow-beating Young and out comes Petey Williams. Tenay earns points from me by acknowledging that all of these men were apart of Team Canada and had a history. No mention has ever been made in this storyline that Roode and Young were actually former tag champions together. I can see away of using that as an element of the story but I'm wacky that way.

The announcers wonder if Petey is the one giving Eric Young the advice. Don West insists that Petey Williams is the friend that Eric was talking about and it could be nobody else. In Vince Russo's world I think we all know what that means.

We go backstage with JB who is with Jerry Lynn. Lynn has a match up next against James Storm. It is their first-ever one on one match. Who cares? Lynn is not down with the idea of Storm bringing the beer bottle to the ring. Lynn will take the bottle, drink the beer and smash the bottle over Storm's head. Those sound like fighting words.
Lynn next turns his attention to Christopher Daniels. He says if Daniels has a problem with him he should confront him face to face. Lynn doesn't understand Daniels' disappearing act and finding himself, note he's probably not the only one. Daniels has given Lynn a purpose though and just as he says that the lights go out. We then hear a sound of something like medal hitting medal as Lynn says "oww, ooo, ahhhh." Judging by his noises, he was beaten up. Either that or else it was something much more disgusting so for the purposes of this recappers anity, he was beaten up. The announcers tie the Daniels turn to Sting, referencing the Sting mask, the black bat and now the leather jacket. West wonders what Sting has to do with this?

The voice-over guy plugs the Hell frozen over match as we head to a...

Commercial Break!!
In this segment, we had developments in the Backlund/Starr issue, the Roode/Eric Young storyline and then we had a plug for an upcoming match and to end it an angle to add to the Lynn and Daniels feud. Oh, we also had the announcers plugging the main event and the Lockdown main event. That's a bit too much stuff in such a short time for my liking. A few funny lines in here but I don't buy wrestling PPVs to hear funny lines.

We're back and we cut in on a conversation between Chris Harris and Jim Cornette. Harris says something about being able to decide things for himself. Cornette says that Harris is 60 percent blind in his right eye. I wonder how they know it isn't 59.9 percent or 60.1 percent? Ok, that's not true I don't really wonder that.

Harris doesn't seem to think it is a big deal pointing out that: "He nearly blinded me for life". The he is referring to James Storm just in case you need to be reminded. Cornette says he has to do what's best for business, I expect Cornette shoots Russo in head to be the headline in a newspaper soon. Harris can be back on the roster as soon as he is cleared by a doctor and that's the best Cornette can do. Harris tells him that his best is not good enough. I can't decide if there are hidden messages in some of this stuff or if it is just my imagination.

Match 3: James Storm w/Jackie Moore Vs. Jerry Lynn

Tenay says that Storm has a real advantage in this match given what has happened to Jerry Lynn. The announcers again touch on the Daniels attack and his apparent desire to be Sting. I think I figured it out, Daniels is dressing and acting like Sting in the hopes that it will confuse someone in to handing him Sting's paycheck which is likely much greater than Daniels' own.

Lynn's music plays and he is not coming out. Andrew Thomas informs the referee assigned to the match that Lynn can't compete. Penzer goes to make the announcement but James Storm has some words he'd like to yell. He and Jackie are sick and tired of this because he loves to drink beer and beat people up. Unfortunately, he's all out of beer. He demands that someone comes out and he doesn't care from where. The AMW theme music hits and out comes Chris Harris and Gail Kim tries to stop Harris from doing anything. Jackie says this is none of Gail's business and she's a no good slut. How dare Jackie say that about my love? It does produce its intended result as the fight is on. Kim and Jackie fight in the ring as Harris chases Storm to the back. TNA officials aren't having much luck separating the women. I can believe that as breaking up a fight between women ranks very low on a list of fun things to try to do in your lifetime.

Don West: "I'd love to be in between these 2 just not under these circumstances." You people need to stop wondering why I love this man. He then explains that women hit hard and that we should lock them inside the cage. This may be the most revealing series of words ever spoken by the man.

It has been awhile since I've made fun of Wade, so I'd like to note Wade that: "You suck, ya jackass!"

We go to another...

Commercial Break!
You could argue that anywhere from 1 to 3 things were touched on in this segment. The Daniels character, the Storm/Harris feud and the Gail/Jackie feud. I am going to go with 2 because I'd argue that the 2 feuds are interconnected and so it is like just one feud.

I do get to see a commercial for the Best of the Tag Teams DVD, lucky me. A clip from the AJ Styles DVD is shown and I am interested in hearing the story in full that he talks about. Apparently, he did some jail time in high-school for hurting someone. I probably should've told him that if you give someone the Styles clash off of the basketball hoop it could hurt but hey I didn't know him then...just like I don't know him now.

We're back with Gail demanding a match with Jackie right now and then demanding it for Lockdown. Just like a woman to always change her mind. All hate mail for that comment can go to Ric@CanvasChronicle.com It is ok though I still forgive you my love. Oh and before anyone asks, I'm talking about Gail.

Jackie enters the room and we've got another brawl that involves a lot of screaming. Latisha and Cornette hit the skids and finally the crack security team comes in to break it up. Don insists we have to seperate these women before someone gets killed.

I'd also like to mention that Latisha has been around a lot tonight and I don't think she has said a single word. She's just been there and so help me I find this funny enough to be entertained by it.

We cut away from the women and go to the Sting video. I am not in favor of this development.

We get the introductions for our main event.

Match 3: AJ Styles and Christian Cage Vs. Sting and Abyss

For those who care, Styles and Christian enter the ring together.
However, this is also true for Sting and Abyss.

We are being told that the situation between Sting and Abyss is finally resolved. As I said earlier when we are told something is finally resolved, we know what that means.

Tenay says he talked to Sting earlier. Among the most gratifying moments in Sting's wrestling career are his return to wrestling in TNA and winning the NA title and brainwashing Abyss ranks right up there.

Sting and Abyss hit a couple of Stinger splashes and that's a sign of teamwork or so I've been told.

Tenay wonders if Tomko could possibly be on Christian's team at the PPV. Uh, no I don't think that's possible because its not like they've been alined since Tomko joined the company or anything. Talk of Tomko goes on for a few more seconds and that's roughly 2 hours too long. Thankfully before Tomko's name can get any mor air time, we go to another...

Commercial Break!!!
In this segment, we had the Gail and Jackie brawl and the start of the main event and that's where all of the focus lied. It is a perfectly fine segment all things considered.

We're back to action with the "Hell has frozen over tag team match". It is not every day that TV main events get special names.

Abyss is cleaning house on both of the heels. A shock treatment for AJ and I'm not sure that's something he's a fan of at this point. An attempt for one on Christian is stopped by AJ. Sting tags in and takes both men out with a flying crossbody. Christian is taken out to the floor and just when things look promising out comes James Mitchell. Mitchell is not alone as he is with a woman identified by Mike Tenay as "Who's she?" An interesting name for a character I'll give them that. I wonder if Who's She is related to Senshi? It could be a faction, Who'shi, Senshi and Wymee?

Abyss can't believe what he's seeing and he doesn't know what to do. This woman has some kind of power over Abyss and she takes Abyss away from the ring. Sting is being double teamed but he Stingers up and starts to take back control. A Stinger splash for Christian and then one for AJ.

Sting sends Christian out and then puts AJ Styles in the Scorpion Deathlock. The ref is with Christian as AJ taps and Scott Steiner comes out and drills Sting with a steel pipe. That allows for Sting to be pinned as Tenay calls it outright robbery.

Winners: Christian Cage and AJ Styles
We now know that Steiner is apart of Christian's team at Lethal Lockdown.

We get a show closing video to end things as usual.

The match was perfectly fine and in fact the wrestling seemed to be pretty good this week though I'm not sure how much we actually got on this show.

My Thoughts: Perhaps it is just because of how horrid I thought ECW and IFL were this week but this show was like a breath of fresh air compared to those other 2. They focused on a few stories tonight but the main event got far and away th most attention out of anything.

I watched TNA, ECW and IFL this week. Of the three shows TNA was the best and it wasn't even close.

I'm glad to be back in the iMPACT recapping chair.