OCC Special Project: A Day in the Life Part 1

It is my 1,000th post and my most ambitious one yet. I am really curious to see how well this is received and if you enjoy it as much as I do then I hope it is one of the things that really gets the OCC noticed. If you like it please do what you can to help make this the most viewed thing that has ever appeared on this blog.

So if you enjoy this, please do the following:

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4. Let me know if this type of feature is something you'd like to see more of.

So, without further delay, I give you:

A Day in the Life Part 1 of 2. (Note: Hopefully, part 2 will be finished by the end of the weekend)


Our story begins on a gloomy Monday afternoon in the city of Nashville Tennessee. The figure in our story has requested that details about who he or she may or may not be remain unknown. Our hero does not want his or her employers to know that the story we are about to tell came from them. This is why nothing even remotely descriptive about our hero will be mentioned in this story not even something as minor as an eye color will be disclosed for fear of his or her safety.

The reason for the secrecy may be hard for you to understand. I as the author knowing where we are headed sympathize with the plight of our hero. You see our hero is coming forth to reveal the inner-workings of a famous company. This revelation is potentially an explosive one for the company involved and our hero is at a great risk both personally and professionally for this story getting out.
Yet even though the hero of our tale sees the great risk involved they feel that the story must be told. So the compromise was to not reveal any descriptive terms about the person or people who gave us this account with the hopes that the employers would be too stupid to figure it out by the description of the events themselves.
Now you may wonder, how is it that you can expect a company to be this stupid? It is at this point that I should tell you that our story today involves a day in the life at Total Nonstop Action Wrestling.

What we have is a first hand account of our subject’s first day in the employ of TNA. Included are actual transcripts of conversations held in the Nashville offices and our subjects own narration thereof.

It was an exciting day for me. I had only been in Nashville about a week and did not know anyone yet that I would consider a friend. Yet the prospect of loneliness fleeted from me that Monday because I was starting my new job at TNA Wrestling. I had been a life-long wrestling fan and while TNA was a distant #2 to the WWE I nonetheless relished the opportunity to work there. In truth, I had always been a fan of the underdog so I would doubtlessly have enjoyed a WWE job far less than the one that I had been given in TNA. At least this was what I recall thinking as I drove from my not yet completely unpacked apartment to the Nashville office.
I was so excited for the day that I could hardly eat, so I chose not to and headed in for my first day. I wasn’t yet clear on my job description with the company but figured that wouldn’t last long as I had a meeting with the head of the company herself Dixie Carter scheduled for 2:00 that afternoon. I must say now looking back that while I thought it odd that I didn’t know what I would be doing, looking back this is hardly a surprise.

I remember walking up to the door that would lead in to the building. With all the excitement of a child on Christmas, I pulled the door towards me to enter and…nothing. The door did not give. I tried again and it resisted me harder than the most vicious of girls in High School. So I decided much as I did in High School to use a different strategy. I pushed on the door thinking that even though it appeared to be a door that was to be pulled open based on the location of the door handle, that it might have been an oddly designed door. Alas, again much like with the girl in High School my new strategy was unsuccessful. The door would not open.
Then a young woman showed up. I would find that this woman’s name was Jennifer and the following conversation took place.

Jen: Hello, may I help you?
I: Yes, I uh, well this is my first day so I’m kind of embarrassed to say this but I can’t seem to get the door open.
Jen: Well, did you stick your tongue out and count to 10 while holding the door with your right hand and your tongue with the left?
I: Uh…excuse me?
Jen: Surely, you got the manual?
I: Um, right the manual…well I…
Jen: You don’t have to pretend; I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that they didn’t give you one.
I: So tell me about this manual.
Jen: It tells you how everything works around here. This being TNA we have a lot of procedures that must be followed to ensure security and that our big developments don’t make it on to the Internet.
I: Yes, I was impressed by how well the company kept the Kurt Angle Sign…
Jen: La la la la la I can’t hear you!
I: What are you doing?
Jen: We’re not supposed to talk about the, you know what outside the building.
I: Bt, he’s on iMPACT, every week now, I’d think the secret is out.
Jen: Secret, what secret, I that is, you are talking crazy. Now quickly, lets go inside.

So Jen stuck her tongue out, stuck her right hand on the door held her tongue in her left and counted to 10 at which point the door swung open quicker than the legs of the easiest of the cheerleading squad. I headed toward the elevator as Jen headed down the hall. I called to her:

I: Is there any trick to the elevator?
Jen: Um, maybe you should just take the stairs it’s easier.
I: So there’s no trick to the staircase.
Jen: No, it’s just that it’s an easier 1 to remember than the elevator. When you walk up the stairs, you must skip every third stair while listing off all of the state capitals in alphabetical order. Then you must fill out a request form when you reach your floor so that you can stop on the stairs. May I offer you 2 words of advice?
I: Of course.
Jen: Well, just remembered that the capital of South Dakota is pronounced Pierre not Peer.
I: Ok, simple enough.
Jen: Yeah, well I can’t tell you how many tragic events could’ve been avoided if only people had remembered that.
I: Looking confused, Um and the other bit of advice?
Jen: Its nothing really but I hope you know your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommates Grandmother’s middle name on his dad’s mom’s side. It’s on the form.
I: Uh, isn’t that just a little…uh, stupid?
Jen [shifting her long blond hair off to one side exposing her well-tanned face], yeah its definitely your first day.

So I headed up the stair case as Jen started to turn cartwheels down the hall, I decided that for now I’d just let that one go. I managed to navigate the staircase with no problems; you’d be amazed at what I could remember. Actually, in truth I just wrote a name down on the form figuring that nobody in this company would check to see if it was right or not, and on that matter I was correct.

I headed down a long hallway, which was full of executive offices. I was looking for Terry Taylor who was head of talent relations and the person I needed to see first. I found the office with his name on the door and knocked. The door swung open and I was face-to-face with a young woman whom I knew to be Gail Kim.

I: [surprised] Hi, I’m looking for Terry Taylor, and this is his office what are you doing here?
Gail: Listen here, I don’t like people coming in to my office and telling me that its someone else’s’ you got that?
I: But the name on the door says Terry Taylor.
Gail: Yes, it does which means that this is my office.
I: But, why…
Gail: Look if you want to find Terry Taylor you need to go to the office marked Woman’s bathroom.
I: But, why…
Gail: [sighing] Look for security reasons nobody’s office has his or her own name on the door. It helps keep things straight around here. I mean think of the ease of access people would have if they went to Terry Taylor’s office and actually found Terry Taylor? It could be a logistical nightmare.
I: So, his office is the 1 marked Woman’s bathroom?
Gail: It’s all in the manual.
I: Well, um I haven’t gotten the manual yet; it’s my first day.
Gail: [with a shocked expression on her face] I’m amaze that you made it this far ok.
I: So tell me what happens if I screw up one of these security procedures?
Gail: Don’t ask, its better for all if you don’t know.
I: Ok then, well out of curiosity, Terry Taylor is in the office marked Woman’s bathroom, so where is the real ladies room?
Gail: [slapping me hard across the face] I’m not telling you that! Get out of here pervert.
I: I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…
Gail: Get out, and remember the sequence of knocks to get Terry to open his door.
I: Sequence of knocks?
Gail: [sigh} you have to knock to the tune of Stairway to Heaven or he won’t open his door.
I: Why don’t you have a secret knock?
Gail: I do, you must’ve just guessed it by chance.

I proceeded down the hall, saw Scott D’Amoore come out of an office marked Janitor’s closet and finally found Terry Taylor’s office clearly marked “Woman’s bathroom”.

I knocked on the door to the tune of stairway to Heaven and it wasn’t long before I was standing face to face with my new boss.

Terry: I’m glad to see that you made it.
I: It was hard; people kept saying that I needed a manual.
Terry: You didn’t get the manual?
I: No, what’s so important about the manual?
Terry: It tells you the proper procedure for everything we do here at the TNA offices.
I: Well, I didn’t get the manual.
Terry: Well, it’s a good thing I just happen to have an extra copy.

He walked across the room and rolled a large cart filled with books towards me.

I: So which one of those is the manual?
Terry: All of them of course?
I: All of them! There has to be 50 books on that thing.
Terry: Well actually, its 55 but nice guess.
I: And how am I supposed to memorize all of this?
Terry: Well, we don’t expect you to memorize it all…in your first hour of employ but by hour 2 you’ll have it all down, at least for your sake, I hope you do.
I: What is that supposed to mean?
Terry: Nothing, just don’t worry about it.

I was perplexed by the thought that nobody wanted to tell me what the penalty was for not following the manual. Alas, I had no time to ponder that question, as Terry was getting ready to give me the tour of headquarters.
We went throughout the building and I decided that to avoid confusing I would just mimic everything that Terry did until I had a chance to memorize the manual.
I realize that it would be entirely too time consuming to continue to give you such a vivid description as I have so far relating to all of the procedures for conducting business in the TNA offices. I will save you the trouble of reading the elaborated sequence of maneuvers and impressions of famous people required to simply use the restroom as some things are just better left up to the imagination.
However, there are 3 things that I feel need to be expounded upon further. The first of these was my introduction into the TNA writing room where I was told iMPACT episodes are written.

Terry and I entered the room hopping on 1 foot while speaking German in a soft voice and saw something that caught me by surprise. It was unlike any writing room I had ever seen. On 1 wall there was a giant board with things written on it while there was only 1 small desk in the entire room where 1 person sat with a small book. In another corner stood a figure holding an object that I would request more information about. As I realize you are no doubt confused by what I just said and more curious for an explanation I shall not delay in delivering it.

Terry Taylor walked me over to a man who had his back to the wall. He appeared to be holding on to some darts in his right hand. Then without looking he flung a dart back over his shoulder and it stuck in the wall. Terry introduced me to this man who I was not surprised to learn was Jeremy Borash.
He shook my hand firmly and welcomed me to the company. Then he tossed a dart over his other shoulder and it stuck in the wall. I asked him what he was doing and he explained that the wall had a list of stipulations on it and that he was using the darts to determine the stipulations for an upcoming Pay Per View Match between Shark Boy and Abyss.
“I see,” was my immediate reaction. “What do you have so far?” Borash turned towards the wall and called to the person sitting at the small desk. “Ok, here is the stipulation for the Shark Boy Vs. Abyss match at Turning Point. It will be a barbed wire Ultimate X 2 out of 3 falls match and will take place as the finals of a 23 man world-cup of soccer style tournament.”
I immediately scrambled for a pen and paper to write this down as the man who had been sitting at the desk had done. I had begun to consider how a 2 out of 3 falls Ultimate X match might look when I observed that the man had gone back to his desk. I curiously asked Terry Taylor about that man.
“Oh, that’s Vince Russo.” Came the response. “Come here and I will introduce you.” I followed Terry over and shook hands with Russo. It was at that point that I got a look at the book he was writing in.
“Are you taking a break from writing this week’s show?” I asked him immediately. “Actually, I’m working on Samoa Joe’s promo that he will cut on Kurt Angle,” Russo said. “But, you are writing in a book of madlibs,” I asked trying to make sense of it all. “Of course, I’m writing it in this book. I mean they all ready have most of it written for me, I’ve just got to come up with a few nouns a couple of adverbs and adjectives and it just fills in the rest. It saves much more time than simply writing everything out word by word.” After giving me that explanation I was no less confused but Russo was back to work.
Finally, we headed towards the man with the strange object. Terry introduced the man as Dutch Mantel. Noticing that my eyes drifted towards the object Dutch proclaimed: “I see you noticed the 102 sided dice.” I nodded and asked: “Yes, but why 102 sides, why does it still only have numbers 1-6 on it and what is it for?” Dutch looked at Taylor and whispered: “its his first day, right?” which brought a nod from my companion.
The reason it has the numbers 1-6 on it is was told was because those numbers would determine how many wrestlers would be in the upcoming x-division rankings match on Impact. The reason it had 102 sides instead of 6 was supposed to be in book 26 of the procedure manual, page 986 paragraph 3 line 8 word 5 letter 2. I decided to take their word for it as I was ready for a drink and my meting with Dixie was a scant hour away.
I cartwheeled out of the room and walked on my hands towards a coke machine that I had passed by on my way in to the writer’s room. I eagerly looked forward to drinking the nice can of Coke I expected to get from the machine, as I was famished. I inserted my $0.50 and pushed the button. Nothing happened. Then it occurred to me that I should remember where I was and I went to book 17 of the manual. Sure enough, I found the proper procedure for purchasing a coke from the pop machine.
So I re-inserted the 2 quarters tales side down into the machine, stood on my left foot, closed my right eye while licking my index finger on my right hand and pushed the button. Success, I thought only to pull the can out of the machine and find a Diet Mountain Dew to my dismay.
I cursed out loud which caught the attention of a passer-by. The man approached and I knew him as Shane Douglas. He came up to me and asked what the trouble was. I told him that I followed the correct procedure for purchasing a coke and I got a Diet Mountain Dew instead.
“Well, I know what the problem is,” he explained. “You used the right procedure but on the wrong day.” “I don’t understand,” was my immediate response. “You used the right procedure for buying a Coke on Thursday,” Douglas said and today is Monday. “Plus, you are in front of the wrong machine, you need to go to the Pepsi machine.” I was bewildered at this point: “The coke is in the Pepsi machine?” I asked out of frustration. “Of course, where else would it be?” came the reply. If we put the Coke in the Coke machine that might give people the wrong idea was the closest thing I got to an explanation for this occurrence.
After all that and 3-more attempts I finally hit upon the right combination to purchase my soda on that particular day. I managed to finish it off right before entering the room to meet with Dixie Carter.

To Be Continued!!!